Imagine this: The Jewish people finally escape from the Land of Egypt. They begin a long, arduous journey through the desert, a journey into the unknown, fraught with dangers, tremendous difficulty and unexpected challenges. A journey that encompasses the full spectrum of emotions; fear and happiness, triumph and despair; doubt and optimism. It was truly a journey of life!
What allowed our ancestors to maintain their optimism in the face of such enormous challenge was the gift of an ongoing experience of the Almighty’s presence. Throughout their travels, God hovered over them in a cloud, allowing them to feel safe amidst danger, comforted amidst uncertainty, and ultimately joyful. Even though they slept in flimsy huts, they knew they were not alone, and although they were human beings with genuine human emotions (and they rebelled and quarreled, just like us enlightened, modern Jews), they functioned from a foundation of belief in the ongoing protection from a loving Father in heaven.
Today we don’t sleep in flimsy huts. Most of us abide comfortably in large homes made of wood and stone, behind protective fences and security alarms. We have ample food to eat, heat and air conditioning to protect us from the elements, and closets full of clothes. We can be reached by anyone at anytime within a breath and we can manage our most important affairs in the palms of our hands with our I-Phones, I-Pads or Blackberries. And yet we have never felt more vulnerable. With all the unparalleled technology, medical advancements and luxuries of every sort, we are anxious and uncertain, and rarely joyful.
Both my husband and I try to teach without handwringing about all the “evils of the world out there.” We both feel that Judaism speaks for itself, and it doesn’t need to be contrasted to the “big bad modern world” to make a powerful case. Yet, we both see clearly that, more than anything, this generation is characterized by a lack of menuchat ha nefesh, peace in the soul. Sometimes it comes from a paralyzing financial uncertainty, other times from marital strife or frustration in parenting. Many people feel alone and feel fundamentally misunderstood, others have come to define themselves through their jobs and bank accounts, and with those diminished, feel diminished as well. Too many people equate their possessions, degrees, or job status with their sense of self worth. Many feel stressed, depressed, helpless or angry, and if they don’t, they are intimately connected with someone who does.
Enter the holiday of Sukkot, which, more than anything, is about vulnerability, joy and faith.
The vulnerability part is clear: the Torah tells us for one week we are to move out of our solid homes into temporary structures, with organic roofs through which one can see the stars. We are exposed to heat, cold and rain. We talk in the sukkah, we read and nap in the sukkah, and some sleep overnight in the sukkah (I guess you could text in the sukkah too, but I would try to avoid it). No matter how large and lavish the sukkah, dwelling in a sukkah drives home our vulnerability to life’s vicissitudes.
In the fast-paced, competitive and materialistic world we live in, it seems like many of us feel as vulnerable as sukkah dwellers. And yet, the vulnerability we feel today is the diametric opposite of the emotion produced by the sukkah’s vulnerability.
Amongst all the festivals, Sukkot alone is designated as the “time of our joy.” It is a mitzvah to be in a conscious state of joy throughout the week of living in this temporary, organic structure. Somehow the Torah is telling us that true joy is the result of vulnerability. How can this be?
The holiday of Sukkot is an exercise of faith. True faith is not the belief that, because God runs the world, everything will turn out exactly the way we want it to. True faith is that because God runs the world, however things turn out, both in the world at large and in our own private world, is an expression of His love for us and is for our ultimate good.
When we leave our cozy homes to dwell in the sukkah, we leave behind the illusion of security that our homes give us and enter the true security; the comfort and joy of dwelling with the Divine Presence. While rain may drench the sukkah, and winds may tear at the walls, “sukkah consciousness” is the awareness of the proximity of God, the awareness that we are never alone, and the knowledge that our whole life, with all its challenges, is a tailor-made gift designed uniquely for each of us from a God whose love for us is absolute and unconditional.
According to Jewish law, a sukkah must have at least three walls. It is as if God is wrapping His arms around you, welcoming you with His embrace. Come, step out of your home and all the anxieties that lie within. Enter a sukkat shalom, a sukkah of peace. Sit inside its walls, take a moment and look around. See the blessings that surround you. Know the Almighty is in charge. Glimpse the night sky and know He loves you. Experience the emotion the Torah calls true joy; the joy that comes from the faith that we are never alone.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Yom Kippur: Father’s Day for the Jewish People
Yom Kippur is coming up, and it’s an awesome day, a day that can effect total transformation and create closure for us in a way that can only be described in one way...an absolute gift from the Almighty. But even if we focus ourselves and do the necessary work of Yom Kippur, we know that within hours, days or weeks we’ll most likely make the same mistakes again, fall into the same habits, say the same hurtful words, waste time in the exact same way. Aren’t we being hypocritical as we sit there in synagogue offering heartfelt apologies for behaviors we’ll most likely slide right back into by Sunday morning? Who are we fooling?
No, we are not being hypocrites. I recently heard from Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik that the day of Yom Kippur has been called “Father’s Day for the Jewish People.” We know God is often referred to as a father: we call him our Father in Heaven, we say the Avinu Malkeinu (our Father, our King) on Rosh HaShana. And what do we do on Father’s Day? We take dad out, we make him breakfast, we buy him a tie, we make him central to our day, we treat him like a king. For that day, our dad is a king. A few days pass, and we fall back into old habits. We forget to call him, we snap at him on the phone, we get too busy and distracted to put him on center stage. After all, we have a life, and we’re busy!
Was it all in vain? No. In essence, on Father’s Day, we get a moment of clarity. We stop the insanity of our busy lives. We remember what this man did for us, we focus on what it means to live from a place of gratitude, we take the pleasure of honoring him in the way he should be honored. And then we lose that consciousness once again. But for the day, our dad is a king, and we are at our best. Our most aware. Our most focused. Our most grateful. We are saying, “Dad, I don’t always come through for you. But this is me at my best. This is who I really want to be.”
And this, too, is Yom Kippur. The whole year, we’re insane! Running, ruminating, planning, distracted, preoccupied, no time for God! And then Yom Kippur comes. And we remember what it means to be focused and we put forth our best selves; thoughtful, remorseful, reflective, honest. Just like with our human father, we are making the statement, “God, I know I lose sight of my potential. But as I stand here today, I know how great I can be. I know Your love for me is infinite, and I want to build a relationship with you. Even if I can’t sustain this awareness, I feel it now. This is me at my best.”
We all make mistakes. Errors in judgment do not make us hypocrites, they are part of being human. We all fall. If we treat our father like a king on one day and then lose our temper one week later, we are not hypocrites. We are human beings. On Yom Kippur, we make a lot of resolutions to ourselves and to God. “I want to be better. Kinder. Calmer. More religious. More honest.” And then we slip. But for one day, we strive. “If I could really be on this level, this is who I would be. This is me at my best.”
Recently I heard a short, powerful story I want to share with you. A couple lived on a small settlement on the West Bank. They were arguing quite a lot and the husband often left the house in the morning highly irritated and feeling wronged. But after 7 or 8 minutes, his wife would get the inevitable phone call. “Sarah, it’s me. I’m sorry for what I said. I love you very much.”
Why the turn around? In order for this man to get to work, he had to travel through a tunnel where there had been frequent sniper fire and terrible tragedies. The tunnel was coined the “Tunnel of Love,” because everyone who passed through it was faced with the precious and fleeting nature of life, the incredible importance of their relationships, and the illusion of all their anger. After all, this could be the last moment, and how do we want to leave this world? And so, whenever this man passed through the tunnel, his whole perspective would shift and he would call his wife. “I love you. I can’t always be at my best, but this is who I really am. I love you, and I’m sorry.”
Yom Kippur is clarity time. It is the tunnel of love. It is a time to formulate a picture of our ideal selves, unhampered by the roar of the ego and all the body’s desires. On this day, we see ourselves as the great creation we really are; made in the image of God, a piece of God Himself, pure and with a worth that is absolute and immutable. If, with this awareness, we resolve to do things we cannot sustain, we are not hypocrites. We are human beings, doing the very best we can.
Have an easy and meaningful fast and a powerful Yom Kippur.
With best wishes,
Rabbi David and Ali
No, we are not being hypocrites. I recently heard from Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik that the day of Yom Kippur has been called “Father’s Day for the Jewish People.” We know God is often referred to as a father: we call him our Father in Heaven, we say the Avinu Malkeinu (our Father, our King) on Rosh HaShana. And what do we do on Father’s Day? We take dad out, we make him breakfast, we buy him a tie, we make him central to our day, we treat him like a king. For that day, our dad is a king. A few days pass, and we fall back into old habits. We forget to call him, we snap at him on the phone, we get too busy and distracted to put him on center stage. After all, we have a life, and we’re busy!
Was it all in vain? No. In essence, on Father’s Day, we get a moment of clarity. We stop the insanity of our busy lives. We remember what this man did for us, we focus on what it means to live from a place of gratitude, we take the pleasure of honoring him in the way he should be honored. And then we lose that consciousness once again. But for the day, our dad is a king, and we are at our best. Our most aware. Our most focused. Our most grateful. We are saying, “Dad, I don’t always come through for you. But this is me at my best. This is who I really want to be.”
And this, too, is Yom Kippur. The whole year, we’re insane! Running, ruminating, planning, distracted, preoccupied, no time for God! And then Yom Kippur comes. And we remember what it means to be focused and we put forth our best selves; thoughtful, remorseful, reflective, honest. Just like with our human father, we are making the statement, “God, I know I lose sight of my potential. But as I stand here today, I know how great I can be. I know Your love for me is infinite, and I want to build a relationship with you. Even if I can’t sustain this awareness, I feel it now. This is me at my best.”
We all make mistakes. Errors in judgment do not make us hypocrites, they are part of being human. We all fall. If we treat our father like a king on one day and then lose our temper one week later, we are not hypocrites. We are human beings. On Yom Kippur, we make a lot of resolutions to ourselves and to God. “I want to be better. Kinder. Calmer. More religious. More honest.” And then we slip. But for one day, we strive. “If I could really be on this level, this is who I would be. This is me at my best.”
Recently I heard a short, powerful story I want to share with you. A couple lived on a small settlement on the West Bank. They were arguing quite a lot and the husband often left the house in the morning highly irritated and feeling wronged. But after 7 or 8 minutes, his wife would get the inevitable phone call. “Sarah, it’s me. I’m sorry for what I said. I love you very much.”
Why the turn around? In order for this man to get to work, he had to travel through a tunnel where there had been frequent sniper fire and terrible tragedies. The tunnel was coined the “Tunnel of Love,” because everyone who passed through it was faced with the precious and fleeting nature of life, the incredible importance of their relationships, and the illusion of all their anger. After all, this could be the last moment, and how do we want to leave this world? And so, whenever this man passed through the tunnel, his whole perspective would shift and he would call his wife. “I love you. I can’t always be at my best, but this is who I really am. I love you, and I’m sorry.”
Yom Kippur is clarity time. It is the tunnel of love. It is a time to formulate a picture of our ideal selves, unhampered by the roar of the ego and all the body’s desires. On this day, we see ourselves as the great creation we really are; made in the image of God, a piece of God Himself, pure and with a worth that is absolute and immutable. If, with this awareness, we resolve to do things we cannot sustain, we are not hypocrites. We are human beings, doing the very best we can.
Have an easy and meaningful fast and a powerful Yom Kippur.
With best wishes,
Rabbi David and Ali
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
It's All About Love
Who are we kidding? When most of us contemplate the oncoming holidays, we feel a low-level dread…Judgment Day…Time to be serious and thoughtful… time to recite a bunch of things that we don’t understand…what are you wearing?...get me out of here!
It is true, Rosh Hashana is the Day of Judgment, but our relationship to it can come from an entirely different place and we can experience it in a completely different way.
To understand these powerful days, we need to take a look at what comes before it. Just like any big event, examination or life transforming experience, a person needs to be prepared. That’s what the month of Elul is all about; the requisite time we need to come to Rosh Hashana prepared, focused, mindful. However, when we look at a deeper dimension of the meaning of the word Elul, we find something interesting. The word Elul (spelled aleph, lamed, vov, lamed) is an acronym for the verse in the Song of Songs, “Ani l’Dodi, v’ Dodi L’i”; I am for my beloved and my beloved is for me.” The month of Elul does not mean, “You better get your act together or you’re gonna get zapped!” It’s a statement of love and the ultimate expression of God’s desire to have a relationship with us. Yes, us. The ones are too distracted, too hyper-scheduled and way too over extended to commit to yet another pursuit…a relationship with the Almighty! Sound like you? The forty days from the beginning of the month of Elul until Yom Kippur are God’s ultimate expression of desire…for a relationship with you.
Let’s understand this lofty concept with a down-to-earth story I recently heard.
Recently a very successful business man shared his distress with a good friend, from whom I heard this powerful story. He was a high-level executive at an investment bank who helped large companies make money. He was always travelling around the world, and was supposed to be in China the previous week but his trip was cancelled.
“Charlie,” he mourned. “You are so lucky. Wait until you get older. Last week I walked in unexpected to my house after my trip was cancelled. I walked into my son’s room who is sixteen years old. He was texting, video chatting, and on his cell, all at the same time. He barely looked up when I came in. Later that night I heard him talking with his friend. ‘Man, I hate when my dad’s home. I’ve got to watch my curfew, check my breath, watch my hiding spots, it’s such a drag.’ “
The man continued. “I live my whole life to provide for these kids. You think I want to live in an airport? Doesn’t he realize that when I ask him about his life and I care about what’s going on with him that it’s for his benefit, not mine?”
The man looked at Charlie. “You are so lucky,” he repeated. “Your kids are still young. When you turn that key in the door, they run right to you. Daddy’s home! Daddy’ home! No matter what’s going on, for that moment daddy’s home. For that moment there’s nothing wrong with the world.”
This is the meaning of Rosh Hashana. Of course the Almighty is always with us, loves us always and is behind every event of every size in our lives. There is nothing that exists without God’s will and his absolute goodness and love behind it. But during these days God comes home to an even greater degree.
Do we even want him home?
On Rosh Hashana the key is in the door and daddy is home. God really is our loving Father but with a twist. He is perfect. He has no needs. He wants us to have a relationship with him for our sake, out of his absolute love for us. Although it may be hard to relate to, the highest level of pleasure we can have is a relationship with the Source of all goodness.
These are the critical moments where we have a choice to make. We can prepare for the holidays with the understanding that it is all about love. “Ani v’Dodi v’Dodi L’i.” I am for my beloved and beloved is for me. My father is home and He wants to have a relationship with me. There is no greater pleasure I could possibly have. Or we can slip into the gravitational pull of that sixteen year old. We can feel guilty, disconnected, irritated at being imposed on, and lay low until the whole thing is over.
Understand that if we’re not looking forward to Him coming home, we don’t need to be hard on ourselves. But what we should do is take some time from our schedules to contemplate what it means to have a relationship with the Creator of the world. To feel genuine appreciation for the goodness of your life, from your eyesight to your memory to your ability to swallow and form words. From the food you eat to the child at your table. To believe that He actually hears and cares about the words we say to Him. To contemplate what it means to be loved absolutely by Him, despite any shortcomings we have. To think of what we can do to live a life with a little more clarity, a little more purpose, to want meaning in our lives just a little bit more. To feel the joy as the key turns in the door.
Is there a better way to start Judgment Day?
It is true, Rosh Hashana is the Day of Judgment, but our relationship to it can come from an entirely different place and we can experience it in a completely different way.
To understand these powerful days, we need to take a look at what comes before it. Just like any big event, examination or life transforming experience, a person needs to be prepared. That’s what the month of Elul is all about; the requisite time we need to come to Rosh Hashana prepared, focused, mindful. However, when we look at a deeper dimension of the meaning of the word Elul, we find something interesting. The word Elul (spelled aleph, lamed, vov, lamed) is an acronym for the verse in the Song of Songs, “Ani l’Dodi, v’ Dodi L’i”; I am for my beloved and my beloved is for me.” The month of Elul does not mean, “You better get your act together or you’re gonna get zapped!” It’s a statement of love and the ultimate expression of God’s desire to have a relationship with us. Yes, us. The ones are too distracted, too hyper-scheduled and way too over extended to commit to yet another pursuit…a relationship with the Almighty! Sound like you? The forty days from the beginning of the month of Elul until Yom Kippur are God’s ultimate expression of desire…for a relationship with you.
Let’s understand this lofty concept with a down-to-earth story I recently heard.
Recently a very successful business man shared his distress with a good friend, from whom I heard this powerful story. He was a high-level executive at an investment bank who helped large companies make money. He was always travelling around the world, and was supposed to be in China the previous week but his trip was cancelled.
“Charlie,” he mourned. “You are so lucky. Wait until you get older. Last week I walked in unexpected to my house after my trip was cancelled. I walked into my son’s room who is sixteen years old. He was texting, video chatting, and on his cell, all at the same time. He barely looked up when I came in. Later that night I heard him talking with his friend. ‘Man, I hate when my dad’s home. I’ve got to watch my curfew, check my breath, watch my hiding spots, it’s such a drag.’ “
The man continued. “I live my whole life to provide for these kids. You think I want to live in an airport? Doesn’t he realize that when I ask him about his life and I care about what’s going on with him that it’s for his benefit, not mine?”
The man looked at Charlie. “You are so lucky,” he repeated. “Your kids are still young. When you turn that key in the door, they run right to you. Daddy’s home! Daddy’ home! No matter what’s going on, for that moment daddy’s home. For that moment there’s nothing wrong with the world.”
This is the meaning of Rosh Hashana. Of course the Almighty is always with us, loves us always and is behind every event of every size in our lives. There is nothing that exists without God’s will and his absolute goodness and love behind it. But during these days God comes home to an even greater degree.
Do we even want him home?
On Rosh Hashana the key is in the door and daddy is home. God really is our loving Father but with a twist. He is perfect. He has no needs. He wants us to have a relationship with him for our sake, out of his absolute love for us. Although it may be hard to relate to, the highest level of pleasure we can have is a relationship with the Source of all goodness.
These are the critical moments where we have a choice to make. We can prepare for the holidays with the understanding that it is all about love. “Ani v’Dodi v’Dodi L’i.” I am for my beloved and beloved is for me. My father is home and He wants to have a relationship with me. There is no greater pleasure I could possibly have. Or we can slip into the gravitational pull of that sixteen year old. We can feel guilty, disconnected, irritated at being imposed on, and lay low until the whole thing is over.
Understand that if we’re not looking forward to Him coming home, we don’t need to be hard on ourselves. But what we should do is take some time from our schedules to contemplate what it means to have a relationship with the Creator of the world. To feel genuine appreciation for the goodness of your life, from your eyesight to your memory to your ability to swallow and form words. From the food you eat to the child at your table. To believe that He actually hears and cares about the words we say to Him. To contemplate what it means to be loved absolutely by Him, despite any shortcomings we have. To think of what we can do to live a life with a little more clarity, a little more purpose, to want meaning in our lives just a little bit more. To feel the joy as the key turns in the door.
Is there a better way to start Judgment Day?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Dreams of Greatness, Modified…
What do we dream of for our children? What visions of greatness do we harbor as we watch them on the soccer field? At school? At the piano? What do we see that disappoints us and makes us feel slightly unsettled, wondering if they’re really going to be okay? What lackings in academics, social graces, physical appearance and athletic abilities obsess our days and nights and leave us thoroughly concerned about their futures as successful, well adjusted adults?
To what degree are we guilty of a syndrome Dr. Wendy Mogel calls “Achievement by Proxy", where the realization that our kids may be just average becomes a painful reminder of our own, ordinary selves? After all, we may not be that accomplished, but at least our kids will be extraordinary achievers!
One of the most powerful parenting lessons I’ve ever learned didn’t come from a contemporary book on raising children. It comes from our Holy Torah, in the book of Shmuel. There we meet Chana, who was desperate to conceive and prayed fervently to God for a child. “Just one child God,” she pleaded. “You created the entire world. You hold the key to all souls, isn’t there just one for me?”
Chana then goes on in her prayer, presenting it in a way that can enlighten even the most thoroughly modern parent. “Give me a child among men,” she pleaded. A child among men. What does that mean?
The Talmud tells us something unusual about Chana’s prayer. She didn’t ask that he be a doctor or lawyer, be the next Surgeon General, get an athletic scholarship to Yale or be first (okay, tenth!) in his class at Highland Park High School. She didn’t even ask for the wisest, most righteous or most well-liked among the people of Israel. Why wouldn’t she have wanted a beautiful child? A gifted child? An amazing athlete? What was wrong with her?
Chana prayed for a son who would not stand out physically, intellectually, athletically. She hoped for an average child, or what we call Jewishly, a mensch.
Chana’s prayer tells us volumes about our own priorities as parents. What makes a child great is not her appearance, her musical talents, his athletic abilities, or his high IQ. As well meaning, devoted parents we have to take serious stock about our fixations regarding our precious charges.
What matters simply is their capacity for goodness, for kindness, for nice and simple thoughtfulness. Our focus on the larger, greater accomplishments detract from the real accomplishment of life; becoming a mensch.
Chana wanted an average child so that no external characteristic ( looks, smarts or any other defining abilities) would take away from the enormous imperative of being good, of caring for others, of growing as a human being and above all, craving a relationship with God.
What does this mean for us today? My sense is that it demands us to take a good look at ourselves, and to think about shifting the balance from great (in school, in social situations, on the field) to good (speaking considerately, helping others, being kind). It’s actually not easy to be a mensch. It’s not easy to think of others before yourself. It’s not easy to be sensitive to the moods and feelings of the people around us. It’s not easy to keep a smile on your face and cheer up others when things are tough. It’s not easy to rejoice for others when they get something you want and don’t have. It’s not easy to live without honor or recognition and remain secure in the knowledge that you’re doing your best to grow in goodness, kindness and compassion. You may have noticed this is even harder for us grownups than it is for our children!
But this is the basis for true growth as a person. Being a mensch is the true definition of greatness. Hard to achieve but available to everyone. How important is it to you?
Best Wishes,
Ali Begoun
What do we dream of for our children? What visions of greatness do we harbor as we watch them on the soccer field? At school? At the piano? What do we see that disappoints us and makes us feel slightly unsettled, wondering if they’re really going to be okay? What lackings in academics, social graces, physical appearance and athletic abilities obsess our days and nights and leave us thoroughly concerned about their futures as successful, well adjusted adults?
To what degree are we guilty of a syndrome Dr. Wendy Mogel calls “Achievement by Proxy", where the realization that our kids may be just average becomes a painful reminder of our own, ordinary selves? After all, we may not be that accomplished, but at least our kids will be extraordinary achievers!
One of the most powerful parenting lessons I’ve ever learned didn’t come from a contemporary book on raising children. It comes from our Holy Torah, in the book of Shmuel. There we meet Chana, who was desperate to conceive and prayed fervently to God for a child. “Just one child God,” she pleaded. “You created the entire world. You hold the key to all souls, isn’t there just one for me?”
Chana then goes on in her prayer, presenting it in a way that can enlighten even the most thoroughly modern parent. “Give me a child among men,” she pleaded. A child among men. What does that mean?
The Talmud tells us something unusual about Chana’s prayer. She didn’t ask that he be a doctor or lawyer, be the next Surgeon General, get an athletic scholarship to Yale or be first (okay, tenth!) in his class at Highland Park High School. She didn’t even ask for the wisest, most righteous or most well-liked among the people of Israel. Why wouldn’t she have wanted a beautiful child? A gifted child? An amazing athlete? What was wrong with her?
Chana prayed for a son who would not stand out physically, intellectually, athletically. She hoped for an average child, or what we call Jewishly, a mensch.
Chana’s prayer tells us volumes about our own priorities as parents. What makes a child great is not her appearance, her musical talents, his athletic abilities, or his high IQ. As well meaning, devoted parents we have to take serious stock about our fixations regarding our precious charges.
What matters simply is their capacity for goodness, for kindness, for nice and simple thoughtfulness. Our focus on the larger, greater accomplishments detract from the real accomplishment of life; becoming a mensch.
Chana wanted an average child so that no external characteristic ( looks, smarts or any other defining abilities) would take away from the enormous imperative of being good, of caring for others, of growing as a human being and above all, craving a relationship with God.
What does this mean for us today? My sense is that it demands us to take a good look at ourselves, and to think about shifting the balance from great (in school, in social situations, on the field) to good (speaking considerately, helping others, being kind). It’s actually not easy to be a mensch. It’s not easy to think of others before yourself. It’s not easy to be sensitive to the moods and feelings of the people around us. It’s not easy to keep a smile on your face and cheer up others when things are tough. It’s not easy to rejoice for others when they get something you want and don’t have. It’s not easy to live without honor or recognition and remain secure in the knowledge that you’re doing your best to grow in goodness, kindness and compassion. You may have noticed this is even harder for us grownups than it is for our children!
But this is the basis for true growth as a person. Being a mensch is the true definition of greatness. Hard to achieve but available to everyone. How important is it to you?
Best Wishes,
Ali Begoun
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Be an Effective Communicator
What makes a marriage healthy and positive? Is it the ability to get along, to stop fighting and live a life devoid of conflict? Not really. The single most common cause of marital disharmony today is the failure to communicate effectively. When couples are able to communicate effectively they can resolve even the most major of differences. But when couples do not have communication skills, every disagreement, no matter how insignificant, is grounds for serious tension, misunderstanding and pain.
What this means is that it’s absolutely okay to be different from your spouse, to enjoy different things and have vastly different tastes and preferences. It’s okay to be disappointed and fight. Some people believe that a healthy marriage is one where there isn’t conflict. Actually, the problem is not that couples fight, it’s how they fight. Good marriages are not characterized by the absence of disagreement; rather, the ease with which a couple can negotiate and work through their differences. If you’re encountering stress in your marriage, chances are it is not about differing views about money, your social world, raising your children, your intimate life, your renewed interest in your career, or whatever disagreement is currently burbling between you. Most likely it is simply that you haven’t learned how to communicate clearly and effectively without fighting, retreating into silence or feeling generally misunderstood.
Good communication isn’t a cure all, but it is the most powerful first step toward building more understanding in your marriage, of getting more of your needs met and of giving to your spouse in the way they really need.
So let’s begin at the beginning, and keep it simple so we can get the most out of this blog possible!
Express Negative Feelings Constructively
That’s number one. If you’re pressuring yourself to stop feeling bitter, resentful, disappointed or annoyed, forget about it! These feelings are an inevitable part of sharing your life with another human being with a vastly different personality (as you may have noticed), so be gentle with yourself and trust that negative feelings are normal and inevitable. We don’t have to worry when negative feelings come to the surface. The real question is how are we expressing these inevitable feelings? A healthy marriage is one where the space feels safe, meaning a couple learns to listen to each other and express themselves in a way that doesn’t cause pain. When negative feelings are vented in anger, sarcasm, ridicule or holding it all in in charged silence, a person doesn’t feel safe to share what’s on their mind. Deepening trust by expressing negative feelings constructively and genuinely listening to our spouse is what creates that safe space which we all yearn for in our marriage.
So how do we do it?
Rule #1: Do not exaggerate.
Try to avoid words like “always” and “never.” If your wife criticized you in front of the children, that doesn’t mean she “always” does it. If your husband forgot your son’s appointment with the pediatrician, it doesn’t mean he “never” puts the needs of the family first. Your husband “never” notices how nice you look, your wife “always” focuses on the kids instead of you. Let me guess, does your husband “always” forget to do his one household task, like take out the garbage? (Maybe I’m just projecting!)
Exaggerating helps us let off steam and gives us relief from our frustrations with our spouse, and it might be routed in partial truth. Your wife really might be compulsively clean and your husband might be overly obsessed with the Blackhawks. It doesn’t matter. Exaggeration only succeeds in causing our spouse to tune us out and feel totally discredited. “If I’m always making mistakes, why bother to try?”
Rule #2: Don’t be a mind reader.
How infuriating is it to be told that you had malicious motives or harmful intentions? When I assume that I know better than you what you were really thinking, I take your power away. Even if you are correct and you accurately assessed your spouse’s intentions, it simply hurts to tell them what they are thinking or the motivations for doing what they did.
Don’t assume and don’t guess what their motivations were letting the kids spend 3 hours straight playing video games. Ask them, and be prepared to listen to their response (the subject of next week’s blog).
Rule #3: As for what you want.
Instead of complaining about what’s wrong or not saying anything at all and letting the frustration fester until you hit your head on the coffee table and violently explode three days later, ask for what you want. Complaining is annoying and creates distance. An expression of a desire is clear and positive. What does this obvious yet untapped way of communicating look like?
Instead of “We never go out anymore,” how about, “I would really enjoy a date night once a week.”
Instead of whining, “I’m sick of cooking!”, try, “It would be a major relief to go out for dinner tonight.”
How about, “I’m not your maid!!” How would it sound to simply express, “I realize I have to up the amount of cleaning help in this house.”
For some reason we equate our spouse’s undying love for us with some kind of prophetic power, where they really should intuit our needs if they really loved us. Let go of that myth, stop complaining or retreating and ask for what you want.
Rule #4: Don’t generalize.
Resist broad, sweeping general statements and get specific! We generalize because we’re hurting and want to get it all in. But while it may temporarily satisfy us it makes it almost impossible for your spouse to hear you. If you find yourself complaining that your spouse doesn’t show you enough respect and consideration and seems to have almost no regard for your feelings, back up and regroup. Supply your spouse with the specific information they need to rectify their behavior. When our husband gets home and immediately starts glancing at his phone, it’s easy to go straight to letting him know how very invisible you feel and how utterly selfish and clueless he is. But you may have noticed that doesn’t really get you anywhere. Resist telling him what an ogre he is and instead try to calmly let him know that you would love him not to look at his phone when he first gets home.
Rule #5: Use more “I” statements and less “You” statements.
A criticism that begins with “You” generally feels like an attack. A comment like, “You don’t appreciate all the hard work I do to keep our family afloat” simply arouses defensiveness. You may be right. Your spouse may hardly ever praise you or show gratitude for all the work you do, and that hurts! But by beginning a complaint with “You”, we elicit defensiveness instead of empathy. It’s far more effective to express hurt feelings with “I” statements, such as, “Last night at dinner I felt you were criticizing me in front of the children when you told me not to start up again.”
This is a long list, I suggest you print it out and take it slow. Resist reading it quickly and shuttling it into cyberspace. Think about one point and how you could integrate it into your communication with your spouse. They are powerful points and can go a tremendous way toward improving any marriage.
Warm Regards,
Ali Begoun
What this means is that it’s absolutely okay to be different from your spouse, to enjoy different things and have vastly different tastes and preferences. It’s okay to be disappointed and fight. Some people believe that a healthy marriage is one where there isn’t conflict. Actually, the problem is not that couples fight, it’s how they fight. Good marriages are not characterized by the absence of disagreement; rather, the ease with which a couple can negotiate and work through their differences. If you’re encountering stress in your marriage, chances are it is not about differing views about money, your social world, raising your children, your intimate life, your renewed interest in your career, or whatever disagreement is currently burbling between you. Most likely it is simply that you haven’t learned how to communicate clearly and effectively without fighting, retreating into silence or feeling generally misunderstood.
Good communication isn’t a cure all, but it is the most powerful first step toward building more understanding in your marriage, of getting more of your needs met and of giving to your spouse in the way they really need.
So let’s begin at the beginning, and keep it simple so we can get the most out of this blog possible!
Express Negative Feelings Constructively
That’s number one. If you’re pressuring yourself to stop feeling bitter, resentful, disappointed or annoyed, forget about it! These feelings are an inevitable part of sharing your life with another human being with a vastly different personality (as you may have noticed), so be gentle with yourself and trust that negative feelings are normal and inevitable. We don’t have to worry when negative feelings come to the surface. The real question is how are we expressing these inevitable feelings? A healthy marriage is one where the space feels safe, meaning a couple learns to listen to each other and express themselves in a way that doesn’t cause pain. When negative feelings are vented in anger, sarcasm, ridicule or holding it all in in charged silence, a person doesn’t feel safe to share what’s on their mind. Deepening trust by expressing negative feelings constructively and genuinely listening to our spouse is what creates that safe space which we all yearn for in our marriage.
So how do we do it?
Rule #1: Do not exaggerate.
Try to avoid words like “always” and “never.” If your wife criticized you in front of the children, that doesn’t mean she “always” does it. If your husband forgot your son’s appointment with the pediatrician, it doesn’t mean he “never” puts the needs of the family first. Your husband “never” notices how nice you look, your wife “always” focuses on the kids instead of you. Let me guess, does your husband “always” forget to do his one household task, like take out the garbage? (Maybe I’m just projecting!)
Exaggerating helps us let off steam and gives us relief from our frustrations with our spouse, and it might be routed in partial truth. Your wife really might be compulsively clean and your husband might be overly obsessed with the Blackhawks. It doesn’t matter. Exaggeration only succeeds in causing our spouse to tune us out and feel totally discredited. “If I’m always making mistakes, why bother to try?”
Rule #2: Don’t be a mind reader.
How infuriating is it to be told that you had malicious motives or harmful intentions? When I assume that I know better than you what you were really thinking, I take your power away. Even if you are correct and you accurately assessed your spouse’s intentions, it simply hurts to tell them what they are thinking or the motivations for doing what they did.
Don’t assume and don’t guess what their motivations were letting the kids spend 3 hours straight playing video games. Ask them, and be prepared to listen to their response (the subject of next week’s blog).
Rule #3: As for what you want.
Instead of complaining about what’s wrong or not saying anything at all and letting the frustration fester until you hit your head on the coffee table and violently explode three days later, ask for what you want. Complaining is annoying and creates distance. An expression of a desire is clear and positive. What does this obvious yet untapped way of communicating look like?
Instead of “We never go out anymore,” how about, “I would really enjoy a date night once a week.”
Instead of whining, “I’m sick of cooking!”, try, “It would be a major relief to go out for dinner tonight.”
How about, “I’m not your maid!!” How would it sound to simply express, “I realize I have to up the amount of cleaning help in this house.”
For some reason we equate our spouse’s undying love for us with some kind of prophetic power, where they really should intuit our needs if they really loved us. Let go of that myth, stop complaining or retreating and ask for what you want.
Rule #4: Don’t generalize.
Resist broad, sweeping general statements and get specific! We generalize because we’re hurting and want to get it all in. But while it may temporarily satisfy us it makes it almost impossible for your spouse to hear you. If you find yourself complaining that your spouse doesn’t show you enough respect and consideration and seems to have almost no regard for your feelings, back up and regroup. Supply your spouse with the specific information they need to rectify their behavior. When our husband gets home and immediately starts glancing at his phone, it’s easy to go straight to letting him know how very invisible you feel and how utterly selfish and clueless he is. But you may have noticed that doesn’t really get you anywhere. Resist telling him what an ogre he is and instead try to calmly let him know that you would love him not to look at his phone when he first gets home.
Rule #5: Use more “I” statements and less “You” statements.
A criticism that begins with “You” generally feels like an attack. A comment like, “You don’t appreciate all the hard work I do to keep our family afloat” simply arouses defensiveness. You may be right. Your spouse may hardly ever praise you or show gratitude for all the work you do, and that hurts! But by beginning a complaint with “You”, we elicit defensiveness instead of empathy. It’s far more effective to express hurt feelings with “I” statements, such as, “Last night at dinner I felt you were criticizing me in front of the children when you told me not to start up again.”
This is a long list, I suggest you print it out and take it slow. Resist reading it quickly and shuttling it into cyberspace. Think about one point and how you could integrate it into your communication with your spouse. They are powerful points and can go a tremendous way toward improving any marriage.
Warm Regards,
Ali Begoun
Monday, May 31, 2010
It's Not About You!
It can’t be stated enough. A healthy marriage is founded on the ability to communicate well with each other, to hear and be heard, to express your thoughts and emotions with each other in a way that leaves each partner feeling understood. This is the bread and butter of human relationships, yet when our egos are involved, even bread and butter can go out the window. We know we have to listen without defensiveness, communicate our needs in a civil and non confrontational, non accusational manner and express positive feelings more often and more liberally. Yet as soon as hurt feelings enter the picture we often get fuzzy and resort to gratifying ourselves on the most immediate and raw level with yelling, nagging, criticism, stonewalling silence, rage. Does it sound like I’m talking to you alone? Please don’t feel alone – it’s part of the human condition, but I do believe it’s getting more acute as we retreat into a super technological society that advances at lightning speed. Why work hard at genuinely learning the tools of a good relationships, of patience, compassion and empathy when it is so easy to retreat into the work-free zone of your IPod?
Yet in truth we know there is no retreating. Our marriages and children call out to us and silently beg us to reflect on ourselves and do the hard work it takes to make our real lives and relationships great. In order to make relationships work you have to make yourself an expert at communication. Obviously one blog isn’t enough to tackle everything, so I want to begin with the absolute foundation of good communication. In subsequent weeks we’ll move on to powerful tools and strategies for hearing and being heard and expressing your needs in a constructive way.
What’s the number one point to remember?
It’s not about you.
Psychologists call it meta-communication. Judaism calls it compassion. Put most simply, when people feel poorly about themselves they act poorly. They yell, they accuse, they don’t seem particularly interested in anyone outside of themselves. They’re defensive, pessimistic and ineffective. They put others down easily. Conversely , when a person has a powerful sense of self worth and self esteem, they act well. They listen better, they’re more interested in other people, they have the ability to communicate without putting others down, they’re more optimistic and get more done. And then there are so many of us that fall in between the two extremes. When we’re feeling pretty good, we act pretty good. When we’re anxious, stressed or insecure, our behavior reflects our level of well being. It’s not about the other person. When we interact with other people, our behavior is reflective of how we are feeling much more than it is about anything the other person has said or done. This isn’t psychobabble; it’s an understanding we all need to have to develop the kind of compassion and sensitivity for ourselves and others that is so critical for a good relationship. When we really understand that it’s not about us, we can move beyond resentment for the person and feel compassion for them, trusting that how they’re feeling about themselves is behind the behavior that we would otherwise find so offensive and take so personally.
Compassion means we see beyond a person’s behavior or words. We understand it is NOT about us and we see the pain it causes them when they act that way. We understand that if they felt better they would act better, and therefore what they need most isn’t to be nagged or given the silent treatment; they need compassion. Belief that things will get better. Support. Resentment means we relate to their behavior in terms of how it affects us instead of how it’s hurting them. Compassion opens doors in a relationship. Resentment closes them.
Not so long ago I was teaching this concept of compassion versus resentment to a group of woman. One woman turned almost white. “Now I understand my grandmother,” she said. “We used to call her a shmatte because she always seemed to give into my grandfather. He would come home from work grumpy and tired. We knew that my grandmother was also tired and overworked, and yet she always gave him room to sit down, relax, read the paper. She asked him about his day and got him a cold drink. She gave him a warm smile and a hug, even though he never seemed to deserve such treatment. I always told my sister that today, almost no spouse would tolerate treatment like that! We would stand up for ourselves or complain about our spouse to our friends. We would nag or turn defensive. Now I understand my grandma was no shmatte! She knew intuitively that when a person doesn’t feel good, it’s not personal, and what they really need is love and support.”
We all need to be amateur psychologists when it comes to our marriages. We need to look for the motivation, the underlying message behind the communication. If your wife tells you she feels sick and she can’t take much more, chances are it’s her way of telling you she needs a bit more attention. If your husband is too short with the kids, try to not to get on his case and recognize there may be some needs he has that aren’t getting met which are reflecting his poor behavior. He doesn’t need to feel any worse than he already does.
It’s not easy to shift from resentment to compassion, but you’ll be amazed at what it can do to improve your marriage and every important relationship in your life. Remember that the number one rule about compassion is that a person’s behavior is almost never about you. It’s about the way a person feels about himself. When we look beyond how a person’s behavior is hurting us and see how the behavior is affecting them, we develop compassion for them. We ‘re free to offer them encouragement and support, which is all a person needs when they aren’t feeling their best.
Yet in truth we know there is no retreating. Our marriages and children call out to us and silently beg us to reflect on ourselves and do the hard work it takes to make our real lives and relationships great. In order to make relationships work you have to make yourself an expert at communication. Obviously one blog isn’t enough to tackle everything, so I want to begin with the absolute foundation of good communication. In subsequent weeks we’ll move on to powerful tools and strategies for hearing and being heard and expressing your needs in a constructive way.
What’s the number one point to remember?
It’s not about you.
Psychologists call it meta-communication. Judaism calls it compassion. Put most simply, when people feel poorly about themselves they act poorly. They yell, they accuse, they don’t seem particularly interested in anyone outside of themselves. They’re defensive, pessimistic and ineffective. They put others down easily. Conversely , when a person has a powerful sense of self worth and self esteem, they act well. They listen better, they’re more interested in other people, they have the ability to communicate without putting others down, they’re more optimistic and get more done. And then there are so many of us that fall in between the two extremes. When we’re feeling pretty good, we act pretty good. When we’re anxious, stressed or insecure, our behavior reflects our level of well being. It’s not about the other person. When we interact with other people, our behavior is reflective of how we are feeling much more than it is about anything the other person has said or done. This isn’t psychobabble; it’s an understanding we all need to have to develop the kind of compassion and sensitivity for ourselves and others that is so critical for a good relationship. When we really understand that it’s not about us, we can move beyond resentment for the person and feel compassion for them, trusting that how they’re feeling about themselves is behind the behavior that we would otherwise find so offensive and take so personally.
Compassion means we see beyond a person’s behavior or words. We understand it is NOT about us and we see the pain it causes them when they act that way. We understand that if they felt better they would act better, and therefore what they need most isn’t to be nagged or given the silent treatment; they need compassion. Belief that things will get better. Support. Resentment means we relate to their behavior in terms of how it affects us instead of how it’s hurting them. Compassion opens doors in a relationship. Resentment closes them.
Not so long ago I was teaching this concept of compassion versus resentment to a group of woman. One woman turned almost white. “Now I understand my grandmother,” she said. “We used to call her a shmatte because she always seemed to give into my grandfather. He would come home from work grumpy and tired. We knew that my grandmother was also tired and overworked, and yet she always gave him room to sit down, relax, read the paper. She asked him about his day and got him a cold drink. She gave him a warm smile and a hug, even though he never seemed to deserve such treatment. I always told my sister that today, almost no spouse would tolerate treatment like that! We would stand up for ourselves or complain about our spouse to our friends. We would nag or turn defensive. Now I understand my grandma was no shmatte! She knew intuitively that when a person doesn’t feel good, it’s not personal, and what they really need is love and support.”
We all need to be amateur psychologists when it comes to our marriages. We need to look for the motivation, the underlying message behind the communication. If your wife tells you she feels sick and she can’t take much more, chances are it’s her way of telling you she needs a bit more attention. If your husband is too short with the kids, try to not to get on his case and recognize there may be some needs he has that aren’t getting met which are reflecting his poor behavior. He doesn’t need to feel any worse than he already does.
It’s not easy to shift from resentment to compassion, but you’ll be amazed at what it can do to improve your marriage and every important relationship in your life. Remember that the number one rule about compassion is that a person’s behavior is almost never about you. It’s about the way a person feels about himself. When we look beyond how a person’s behavior is hurting us and see how the behavior is affecting them, we develop compassion for them. We ‘re free to offer them encouragement and support, which is all a person needs when they aren’t feeling their best.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
What Men Really Want
Once again, we're not talking rocket science in our effort to get to the root of what men and women really want in a relationship. It's simple...and yet whenever our egos are involved there's always a nagging inner voice of protest that sounds something like, "He doesn't deserve to hear something nice when he hasn't really worked on himself!", or "That's his responsibility so why in the world should I thank him and praise him?" Or how about this one? "It's like we're a million miles away. He has no clue what's in my heart."
Women, please take note. The Torah tells us that women were created with a binah yeseira, a stronger ability to be intuitive and to understand the inner dimension in our relationships. It's our responsibility to use that binah yeseira NOT to fixate on how we're being shortchanged and how our husband isn't meeting our emotional needs, but on how we can come closer to him in the ways that he craves.
That's what it means to be a giver. If we focus on these simple ways of giving to our husbands in the way they were hardwired, we'll see dramatic improvement in our marriages, however solid or shaky they may be.
So what do men really want?
1) Make him number one!
Do you welcome your husband at the end of a long day, or is he greeted with a barrage of complaints? "You forgot to take the garbage out." "Take this child--I can't handle it another minute!"
Does he respond by sneaking a peak at his Blackberry? Turning on the TV? Complaining about the messiness of the living room?
In the classic Jewish work, Menorat HaMeor, we're told "If you treat him like a king, he will treat you like a queen."
In modern psychological terminology, that means, don't triangulate him. Don't create a triangle where your husband feels he is not your primary concern, rather the kids, your hobbies, your work life, your friendships or exercise are lowering his needs below number one status. Make your spouse your number one priority. Always take his side. Never embarrass him or undercut him. Create an unshakable alliance where his needs come first. If you sincerely do this, most likely you'll discover his needs are indeed NOT insatiable at all. Put simply, your marriage comes first.
You can start by simply appreciating what he does. "Thanks for bathing the kids tonight." "Thanks for doing the dishes, it was a huge help." Don't take for granted that these are his (few) household responsibilities and he should just do them! Push yourself to focus on what he did accomplish and not on your long list of the jobs left undone.
I talk to many stay-at-home moms who are able to stay home because of their husbands' hard work, but who frequently greet them with disgruntlement rather than gratitude. Remember that your husband isn't yet another irritating demand on your already overbooked schedule. Relate to him without bitterness and with gratitude for what he does. Make him number one.
2)Let him win!
Men seem to like to win in whatever capacity they're involved in (just observe them watching competitive sports). In marriage, many men will complain "I felt I couldn't win no matter what I did."
Let him "win" by showing him you're proud of him! "You were so patient with the kids tonight." "You dealt with that crisis so diplomatically at work." "Thank you so much for initiating such a great night out." "I am so happy that I'm married to you."
Remember that when you're critical, demanding or upset with him all the time you're never going to let him win at any stage and he's going to lose any intrinsic motivation to be better. If his small efforts fail to get any recognition--a thank you call or a nice hug when he comes home--he hasn't won and there's little motivation to keep trying.
Little gestures like getting off the phone when he walks in, shows of physical affection and sincere compliments make a man feel like he can indeed win at home. Remember that a man who feels he can win usually responds in kind and tries to please his wife.
3) Be happy!
Pardon the annoying expression, but a happy wife really is a happy life...for you and your spouse!
A husband desires desperately that his wife should be happy. When she's unfulfilled, unhappy or discontent with her lot in life she's sending the not-so-subtle message that he just doesn't have what it takes to make her feel good about her life.
We're often so focused on our own emotional needs that we forget our husband has them too. More than almost anything, a husband craves that his wife be satisfied with the life they share together. While we should never be robotic and conceal our feelings, we have to be constantly aware of how we emote to our husbands.
Tell him you love him, often! Tell him he gives you a life that brings you fulfillment and joy! Try to be happy and grateful for the life you share together.
Women, please take note. The Torah tells us that women were created with a binah yeseira, a stronger ability to be intuitive and to understand the inner dimension in our relationships. It's our responsibility to use that binah yeseira NOT to fixate on how we're being shortchanged and how our husband isn't meeting our emotional needs, but on how we can come closer to him in the ways that he craves.
That's what it means to be a giver. If we focus on these simple ways of giving to our husbands in the way they were hardwired, we'll see dramatic improvement in our marriages, however solid or shaky they may be.
So what do men really want?
1) Make him number one!
Do you welcome your husband at the end of a long day, or is he greeted with a barrage of complaints? "You forgot to take the garbage out." "Take this child--I can't handle it another minute!"
Does he respond by sneaking a peak at his Blackberry? Turning on the TV? Complaining about the messiness of the living room?
In the classic Jewish work, Menorat HaMeor, we're told "If you treat him like a king, he will treat you like a queen."
In modern psychological terminology, that means, don't triangulate him. Don't create a triangle where your husband feels he is not your primary concern, rather the kids, your hobbies, your work life, your friendships or exercise are lowering his needs below number one status. Make your spouse your number one priority. Always take his side. Never embarrass him or undercut him. Create an unshakable alliance where his needs come first. If you sincerely do this, most likely you'll discover his needs are indeed NOT insatiable at all. Put simply, your marriage comes first.
You can start by simply appreciating what he does. "Thanks for bathing the kids tonight." "Thanks for doing the dishes, it was a huge help." Don't take for granted that these are his (few) household responsibilities and he should just do them! Push yourself to focus on what he did accomplish and not on your long list of the jobs left undone.
I talk to many stay-at-home moms who are able to stay home because of their husbands' hard work, but who frequently greet them with disgruntlement rather than gratitude. Remember that your husband isn't yet another irritating demand on your already overbooked schedule. Relate to him without bitterness and with gratitude for what he does. Make him number one.
2)Let him win!
Men seem to like to win in whatever capacity they're involved in (just observe them watching competitive sports). In marriage, many men will complain "I felt I couldn't win no matter what I did."
Let him "win" by showing him you're proud of him! "You were so patient with the kids tonight." "You dealt with that crisis so diplomatically at work." "Thank you so much for initiating such a great night out." "I am so happy that I'm married to you."
Remember that when you're critical, demanding or upset with him all the time you're never going to let him win at any stage and he's going to lose any intrinsic motivation to be better. If his small efforts fail to get any recognition--a thank you call or a nice hug when he comes home--he hasn't won and there's little motivation to keep trying.
Little gestures like getting off the phone when he walks in, shows of physical affection and sincere compliments make a man feel like he can indeed win at home. Remember that a man who feels he can win usually responds in kind and tries to please his wife.
3) Be happy!
Pardon the annoying expression, but a happy wife really is a happy life...for you and your spouse!
A husband desires desperately that his wife should be happy. When she's unfulfilled, unhappy or discontent with her lot in life she's sending the not-so-subtle message that he just doesn't have what it takes to make her feel good about her life.
We're often so focused on our own emotional needs that we forget our husband has them too. More than almost anything, a husband craves that his wife be satisfied with the life they share together. While we should never be robotic and conceal our feelings, we have to be constantly aware of how we emote to our husbands.
Tell him you love him, often! Tell him he gives you a life that brings you fulfillment and joy! Try to be happy and grateful for the life you share together.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
What Women Really Want
What do women really want?
It's not rocket science, and yet sometimes the most simple truths are the hardest to live by!
Women themselves may bristle a bit when they hear this (it sounds so retro...), but ultimately most of us will concede that our deepest desire is to be loved. Respect goes a long way, and so does admiration, but showing and expressing love is what nourishes and sustains a woman in marriage.
Yes, we may want our husbands to acknowledge us for how we negotiated that last deal or how well we redid our kitchens or ran that 10K race, but at the end of the day, our ability to overlook minor transgressions and have an overall positive attitude in our marriage will come down to how strongly we feel treasured, cared for, and loved.
Many men may be thinking "I told her just yesterday I love her! I took her out for her birthday last week! Is there no end to her needs?"
In truth, there is no end. There is no end to the need most women feel to be the number one priority in their husband's lives. That's why Rabbi Aaron Feldman writes in his book on marriage, The River, the Kettle and the Bird, "It is unconscionable to give her even the slightest grounds for this suspicion."
On a practical level, how can men realistically meet this deep desire of women to be loved?
Here's a few ideas.
Express gratitude. "Thank you for dinner." "Thank you for giving me a free night to get together with friends." "Thanks for packing up so nicely for the trip." "Thanks for giving me time this evening to do work on the computer."
Don't assume your wife knows how much you appreciate her. Chances are she feels that many of her acts of commitment are just looked at as givens. Recognize and be grateful for all the little things she does, even if they're in her sphere of responsibility.
Express praise. "You're really doing a beautiful job with the children." "You made a delicious Shabbat dinner." "You handled that situation with your boss incredibly!" "That dress looks beautiful on you."
You may feel it, but if you don't tell her, she won't know! Take note of how hard she's working at the things that are truly important to her and compliment her on how she looks.
Really listen. Guys, that's complaint numero uno! Nothing is more frustrating than talking to your husband while he's texting his colleague or has his eyes half affixed to the sports page. Many women feel the pain of a husband who feels a million miles away. Focus on your wife when you walk in the door and when she is speaking to you, even if she's telling you something for the fifth time (if you really focus on her, I can almost guarantee she'll tell you less.) See her, hear her and respond to what she has told you in a respectful way. You would do it for an important business contact. She is your most important contact of all.
Turn toward her, rather than away. When you pass your wife in the kitchen or working at her desk, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, or whisper something nice in her ear? Or do you just walk on by? Always try to turn toward her, instead of away. Look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to her.
Take care of her. Even a female CEO or the greatest multitasking balabusta wants to feel that her husband takes care of her. Always make her feel protected and don't be reluctant to take charge.
Don't criticize. Even though it sounds like helpful, objective advice to you, many women are very sensitive to criticism and never respond well to a harsh word. If you think your wife will benefit from constant, constructive criticism, think again. Your wife will not grow from this. She'll wither. This doesn't preclude communication, but if it's not done in a gentle and caring way, she's not going to respond positively.
Is there something you would like to add to the list? Let me know! As for men, next week I'll be discussing what men really want...if I can ever figure it out!
Ali Begoun
It's not rocket science, and yet sometimes the most simple truths are the hardest to live by!
Women themselves may bristle a bit when they hear this (it sounds so retro...), but ultimately most of us will concede that our deepest desire is to be loved. Respect goes a long way, and so does admiration, but showing and expressing love is what nourishes and sustains a woman in marriage.
Yes, we may want our husbands to acknowledge us for how we negotiated that last deal or how well we redid our kitchens or ran that 10K race, but at the end of the day, our ability to overlook minor transgressions and have an overall positive attitude in our marriage will come down to how strongly we feel treasured, cared for, and loved.
Many men may be thinking "I told her just yesterday I love her! I took her out for her birthday last week! Is there no end to her needs?"
In truth, there is no end. There is no end to the need most women feel to be the number one priority in their husband's lives. That's why Rabbi Aaron Feldman writes in his book on marriage, The River, the Kettle and the Bird, "It is unconscionable to give her even the slightest grounds for this suspicion."
On a practical level, how can men realistically meet this deep desire of women to be loved?
Here's a few ideas.
Express gratitude. "Thank you for dinner." "Thank you for giving me a free night to get together with friends." "Thanks for packing up so nicely for the trip." "Thanks for giving me time this evening to do work on the computer."
Don't assume your wife knows how much you appreciate her. Chances are she feels that many of her acts of commitment are just looked at as givens. Recognize and be grateful for all the little things she does, even if they're in her sphere of responsibility.
Express praise. "You're really doing a beautiful job with the children." "You made a delicious Shabbat dinner." "You handled that situation with your boss incredibly!" "That dress looks beautiful on you."
You may feel it, but if you don't tell her, she won't know! Take note of how hard she's working at the things that are truly important to her and compliment her on how she looks.
Really listen. Guys, that's complaint numero uno! Nothing is more frustrating than talking to your husband while he's texting his colleague or has his eyes half affixed to the sports page. Many women feel the pain of a husband who feels a million miles away. Focus on your wife when you walk in the door and when she is speaking to you, even if she's telling you something for the fifth time (if you really focus on her, I can almost guarantee she'll tell you less.) See her, hear her and respond to what she has told you in a respectful way. You would do it for an important business contact. She is your most important contact of all.
Turn toward her, rather than away. When you pass your wife in the kitchen or working at her desk, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, or whisper something nice in her ear? Or do you just walk on by? Always try to turn toward her, instead of away. Look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to her.
Take care of her. Even a female CEO or the greatest multitasking balabusta wants to feel that her husband takes care of her. Always make her feel protected and don't be reluctant to take charge.
Don't criticize. Even though it sounds like helpful, objective advice to you, many women are very sensitive to criticism and never respond well to a harsh word. If you think your wife will benefit from constant, constructive criticism, think again. Your wife will not grow from this. She'll wither. This doesn't preclude communication, but if it's not done in a gentle and caring way, she's not going to respond positively.
Is there something you would like to add to the list? Let me know! As for men, next week I'll be discussing what men really want...if I can ever figure it out!
Ali Begoun
Friday, April 16, 2010
Give Pleasure, Not Pain!
In this age of information overload, there's no dearth of advice coming our way on how to improve our marriages. It's putting what we know into practice that's so difficult. I would like to offer you a five-word formula that, if internalized, has the power to dramatically improve your marriage.
Ready?
Don't give pain, give pleasure.
Many people envision the ideal marital formula to be 50/50, meaning the division of labor works out equitably and fairly; you do for me and I do for you. But in Judaism we don't aim for 50/50, it's not tit for tat and it's not a business contract. We shoot for 100/100. It really comes down to giving, giving, and giving some more, and not keeping score! If each spouse stops focusing on what they're not getting and how they're being shortchanged, and instead puts the focus on their own ability to minimize pain and give pleasure to the other, the results can be tremendous. You may discover that you'll get more from giving than you do from receiving, and that your love grows for your spouse the more you give.
Let's flesh this out. How do we minimize pain? Monitor closely how you talk to your spouse. Don't make demands or boss the other around. Having a bad day at work or with the children does not entitle you to inflict pain on your spouse through your words. Remember that anytime you speak with irritation, sarcasm or annoyance, you're inflicting pain. Criticism of any kind inflicts pain. Embarrassing your spouse in public causes pain, as does speaking in the heat of anger. Remember that just like no one can eat a half-baked cake, no one can feel understood and appreciated when they are half focused on. Not looking up from your computer screen or from your phone conversation when your spouse walks in simply causes pain. In an easy going moment, ask your partner to write down what goes on between you that causes pain. Presto! Now you know what to avoid.
What about giving pleasure? The best thing to do is ask your spouse to make a list of what does give them pleasure and do one of these things every day. Learn by asking how your spouse prefers to be given to-whether it's more quality time with the family uninterrupted, more physical affection, receiving gifts, scheduling regular date nights, helping more in the house etc., and get in the daily habit of doing it. Why try to be a mind reader? Just ask and you'll know what you need to do! Get in the habit of asking on a regular basis, "What can I do for you?" Look for ways to help each other. Don't try to mind read...just ask and you'll figure it out!
Even if it's just for one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself the simple question, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"
Once you realize that almost everything in your behavior and in the way you speak to your spouse brings you closer or pushes you further apart, you'll be more able to control the direction of your marriage. The essential ingredient is to focus on your own sphere of responsibility and not fret about how your partner just isn't adding up. Try it. Ask your spouse what you do that causes them pain and what you do that gives them pleasure. With this information in hand, you can spend less energy feeling shortchanged and more energy committing to the goal of giving pleasure and not causing pain. See for yourself what you are able to build.
Ready?
Don't give pain, give pleasure.
Many people envision the ideal marital formula to be 50/50, meaning the division of labor works out equitably and fairly; you do for me and I do for you. But in Judaism we don't aim for 50/50, it's not tit for tat and it's not a business contract. We shoot for 100/100. It really comes down to giving, giving, and giving some more, and not keeping score! If each spouse stops focusing on what they're not getting and how they're being shortchanged, and instead puts the focus on their own ability to minimize pain and give pleasure to the other, the results can be tremendous. You may discover that you'll get more from giving than you do from receiving, and that your love grows for your spouse the more you give.
Let's flesh this out. How do we minimize pain? Monitor closely how you talk to your spouse. Don't make demands or boss the other around. Having a bad day at work or with the children does not entitle you to inflict pain on your spouse through your words. Remember that anytime you speak with irritation, sarcasm or annoyance, you're inflicting pain. Criticism of any kind inflicts pain. Embarrassing your spouse in public causes pain, as does speaking in the heat of anger. Remember that just like no one can eat a half-baked cake, no one can feel understood and appreciated when they are half focused on. Not looking up from your computer screen or from your phone conversation when your spouse walks in simply causes pain. In an easy going moment, ask your partner to write down what goes on between you that causes pain. Presto! Now you know what to avoid.
What about giving pleasure? The best thing to do is ask your spouse to make a list of what does give them pleasure and do one of these things every day. Learn by asking how your spouse prefers to be given to-whether it's more quality time with the family uninterrupted, more physical affection, receiving gifts, scheduling regular date nights, helping more in the house etc., and get in the daily habit of doing it. Why try to be a mind reader? Just ask and you'll know what you need to do! Get in the habit of asking on a regular basis, "What can I do for you?" Look for ways to help each other. Don't try to mind read...just ask and you'll figure it out!
Even if it's just for one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself the simple question, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"
Once you realize that almost everything in your behavior and in the way you speak to your spouse brings you closer or pushes you further apart, you'll be more able to control the direction of your marriage. The essential ingredient is to focus on your own sphere of responsibility and not fret about how your partner just isn't adding up. Try it. Ask your spouse what you do that causes them pain and what you do that gives them pleasure. With this information in hand, you can spend less energy feeling shortchanged and more energy committing to the goal of giving pleasure and not causing pain. See for yourself what you are able to build.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Spiritual Freedom
Many of us are already knee deep in Pesach preparations, and we all know that it can get overwhelming at times. There is so much to do and we can't begin to imagine how it will all get done: inspecting the house for that inevitable Cheerio that lay hidden between the cushions, kashering the kitchen from floor to ceiling, cooking for two Seders and so much more. True, you always have those families that have been "Pesadik" since Purim already, but we don't like those people and refuse to talk to them!
In the mire, however, we can't forget the most important preparation of all - the spiritual preparations needed for achieving true freedom. Much more than a mere commemoration of our ancestors' release from the shackles of Egyptian bondage, Pesach is the time of the year that each of us can achieve liberty in the deepest sense. I am referring to spiritual, emotional and intellectual freedom. The only question is how do we do that?
Perhaps the answer rests with understanding the meaning behind the emblem of freedom; the matzah. Matzah, in its elegant simplicity, (it can consist of nothing other than flour and water, anything else renders it unfit) reminds us that they pathway to true freedom lies in our ability to recalibrate our balance between what we view as luxury and what we perceive as necessity in our lives. Fill in the blank: "I can not live without _______ !" Whatever word occupies that blank is what you are a slave to. "I can not live without my I-Phone! I cannot live without my two annual vacations. And, if G-d forbid, my cable service went down for the week, I don't think I could survive." Anything that you perceive that you can not live without is exactly what enslaves you in the shackles of spiritual and emotional bondage.
I remember when we first moved back to the U.S. after a decade of living in small apartments in Jerusalem. We never had a dishwasher (Ali had one, namely me, but I never had one). I remember the first night we moved into our new American home I stayed up late into the night trying out this wonder of technology called the garbage disposal. This little gadget was destined to change my life. How I appreciated the fact that I didn't have to scrape the plates into the garbage before washing them. What an amazing luxury!
I'll never forget that terrible, unforgettable day when my new gadget, which I had come to depend on, broke down.... panic! Get the plumber out here immediately! How can I live one day without my garbage disposal? Later I reflected how odd it was that in a few short months my relationship towards that garbage disposal had transformed so dramatically. I no longer viewed the device as a luxury that made my life easier, but as a necessity without which life was not worth living! I had become a slave to my garbage disposal. (Ok, so I am dramatizing this a little, but you get the idea).
On Pesach, we reflect on the matzah, on its ungarnished plainness, and remember that the key to true freedom is simplicity. We need to relearn the art of appreciating the gifts in our lives and seeing them not as necessities that cannot be lived without but as enhancements that make life more pleasurable.
Sorry to cut this short but I have to go back and search for that Cheerio.
Rabbi David
In the mire, however, we can't forget the most important preparation of all - the spiritual preparations needed for achieving true freedom. Much more than a mere commemoration of our ancestors' release from the shackles of Egyptian bondage, Pesach is the time of the year that each of us can achieve liberty in the deepest sense. I am referring to spiritual, emotional and intellectual freedom. The only question is how do we do that?
Perhaps the answer rests with understanding the meaning behind the emblem of freedom; the matzah. Matzah, in its elegant simplicity, (it can consist of nothing other than flour and water, anything else renders it unfit) reminds us that they pathway to true freedom lies in our ability to recalibrate our balance between what we view as luxury and what we perceive as necessity in our lives. Fill in the blank: "I can not live without _______ !" Whatever word occupies that blank is what you are a slave to. "I can not live without my I-Phone! I cannot live without my two annual vacations. And, if G-d forbid, my cable service went down for the week, I don't think I could survive." Anything that you perceive that you can not live without is exactly what enslaves you in the shackles of spiritual and emotional bondage.
I remember when we first moved back to the U.S. after a decade of living in small apartments in Jerusalem. We never had a dishwasher (Ali had one, namely me, but I never had one). I remember the first night we moved into our new American home I stayed up late into the night trying out this wonder of technology called the garbage disposal. This little gadget was destined to change my life. How I appreciated the fact that I didn't have to scrape the plates into the garbage before washing them. What an amazing luxury!
I'll never forget that terrible, unforgettable day when my new gadget, which I had come to depend on, broke down.... panic! Get the plumber out here immediately! How can I live one day without my garbage disposal? Later I reflected how odd it was that in a few short months my relationship towards that garbage disposal had transformed so dramatically. I no longer viewed the device as a luxury that made my life easier, but as a necessity without which life was not worth living! I had become a slave to my garbage disposal. (Ok, so I am dramatizing this a little, but you get the idea).
On Pesach, we reflect on the matzah, on its ungarnished plainness, and remember that the key to true freedom is simplicity. We need to relearn the art of appreciating the gifts in our lives and seeing them not as necessities that cannot be lived without but as enhancements that make life more pleasurable.
Sorry to cut this short but I have to go back and search for that Cheerio.
Rabbi David
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Honor in Practice
We would like to dedicate this week's blog to my dear couisins Stuart Borg and his children Nancy, Neil and Lisa. May Hashem give you the strength to make it through this painful time.
Many parents lament about the overall lack of respect they feel pervades the environment in their home. Instead of gratitude and a deep awareness of the endless goods and services being channelled their way, many kids walk around entitled, bored and essentially clueness that they are on the receiving end of so much good.
There's a lot to say about this subject, but let's start at the very beginning.
Have you ever heard the story of the burgher Shmuel?
Shmuel's elderly father suffered from a condition that left his fingers trembling, and as a result kept spilling his stew on the tablecloth. One day the old man dropped a china teacup on the floor and it broke into many pieces.
"That's it, father", said Shmuel. "From now on you'll eat in your own room with this wooden bowl and spoon. That way you won't break anything and we'll have some piece of mind around here!"
The next day Shmuel saw his son attempting to carve out a large piece of wood. "My dearest son, what are you doing sweet boy?"
His son's reply? "I'm making a bowl for you father, so you can use it to eat in your own room where your hands tremble too much to eat at the family table."
If we parents want to see more respect in our own homes, we would do well to examine how much respect and loving care we show our own parents. Are we so busy achieving and watching our children achieve that we forget to regularly show gratitude to our parents? If you want to inculcate more respect in your home, constant reminding, warning and nagging have a lot less weight than living by sheer example. Show them what respect looks like in action. If you are blessed to have parents still alive, take a moment to reflect on how you behave toward them. Do you call them regularly, speak to them respectfully, and meet their physical and emotional needs with a pleasant attitude? Do your children see you doing this?
If you're reading this and struggling through it because you feel you were seriously misunderstood or mistreated by your parents, please know that is a very common and very real dilemna. Why should a person show consistent gratitude and respect to parents who were extremely critical or negative? (Please note there are exemptions in severe situations of abuse and neglect.)
Let's imagine you received a car from your parents for your 18th birthday. You check out your new car with excitement, but you stop in your tracks when you see it. Your new car has no wheels! You are despondant and spend the next few weeks pouting and lamenting your situation. After all, what good is a car with no wheels?
In truth, you're making a choice. You could sit around and pout or you could go earn some money and buy new wheels!
We are often very quick to blame our parents for the shortcomings and struggles we face in our lives today. In essence, we're acting like the person who gets the car without the wheels. Did our parents make mistakes raising us? Of course they did! And yet, we have the ability to accept what they gave--the good and the bad-- and make the best effort in our lives to be the best we can be.
Their mistakes do not exempt us from the obligation to honor them...even if the only reason is that they gave us life. Contrary to popular belief, our parents don't owe us. We owe them. They gave us life, and the gratitude we should feel for this gift should inspire us to show them great honor and respect.
So next time you're calling your parents, wait until your children get home to make the call. Let them hear the way you speak, how you inquire about their well being and the gratitude you clearly articulate for them. This can be very difficult for people to do, and often with good reason. Nowhere in the Torah does it say we have to be a martyr. But all throughout the Torah we are told that treating our parents with dignity, respect and compassion, simply because they gave us the gift of life, is one of the most cherished and important responsibilities we have on this earth.
Here's a quick overview on the essentials of honoring your parents, adapted from "Love your Neighbor" by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. These few simple rules can make a real difference in your relationship with your parents.
1. Honor your parents by treating them as distinguished, even if they're not.
2. Speak to your parents in a soft and pleasant tone. The Tamud (Baba Metzia 58b) tells us that distressing someone with words is worse than cheating them financially. Taking someone's dignity is worse than taking their money. We would never think of cheating our mother, yet when it comes to speaking respectfully, too often negative words slip out.
3. Treat your parents respectfully by always calling them "Mom" or "Dad" or "Mother" or "Father." Calling your parents by their first name is considered disrespectful, as is disturbing their sleep and sitting in their usual place, in the home, synagogue etc.
4. Serve your parents food and drink with a pleasant expression. Welcome them in and escort them out.
Have a great Shabbos,
Ali
Many parents lament about the overall lack of respect they feel pervades the environment in their home. Instead of gratitude and a deep awareness of the endless goods and services being channelled their way, many kids walk around entitled, bored and essentially clueness that they are on the receiving end of so much good.
There's a lot to say about this subject, but let's start at the very beginning.
Have you ever heard the story of the burgher Shmuel?
Shmuel's elderly father suffered from a condition that left his fingers trembling, and as a result kept spilling his stew on the tablecloth. One day the old man dropped a china teacup on the floor and it broke into many pieces.
"That's it, father", said Shmuel. "From now on you'll eat in your own room with this wooden bowl and spoon. That way you won't break anything and we'll have some piece of mind around here!"
The next day Shmuel saw his son attempting to carve out a large piece of wood. "My dearest son, what are you doing sweet boy?"
His son's reply? "I'm making a bowl for you father, so you can use it to eat in your own room where your hands tremble too much to eat at the family table."
If we parents want to see more respect in our own homes, we would do well to examine how much respect and loving care we show our own parents. Are we so busy achieving and watching our children achieve that we forget to regularly show gratitude to our parents? If you want to inculcate more respect in your home, constant reminding, warning and nagging have a lot less weight than living by sheer example. Show them what respect looks like in action. If you are blessed to have parents still alive, take a moment to reflect on how you behave toward them. Do you call them regularly, speak to them respectfully, and meet their physical and emotional needs with a pleasant attitude? Do your children see you doing this?
If you're reading this and struggling through it because you feel you were seriously misunderstood or mistreated by your parents, please know that is a very common and very real dilemna. Why should a person show consistent gratitude and respect to parents who were extremely critical or negative? (Please note there are exemptions in severe situations of abuse and neglect.)
Let's imagine you received a car from your parents for your 18th birthday. You check out your new car with excitement, but you stop in your tracks when you see it. Your new car has no wheels! You are despondant and spend the next few weeks pouting and lamenting your situation. After all, what good is a car with no wheels?
In truth, you're making a choice. You could sit around and pout or you could go earn some money and buy new wheels!
We are often very quick to blame our parents for the shortcomings and struggles we face in our lives today. In essence, we're acting like the person who gets the car without the wheels. Did our parents make mistakes raising us? Of course they did! And yet, we have the ability to accept what they gave--the good and the bad-- and make the best effort in our lives to be the best we can be.
Their mistakes do not exempt us from the obligation to honor them...even if the only reason is that they gave us life. Contrary to popular belief, our parents don't owe us. We owe them. They gave us life, and the gratitude we should feel for this gift should inspire us to show them great honor and respect.
So next time you're calling your parents, wait until your children get home to make the call. Let them hear the way you speak, how you inquire about their well being and the gratitude you clearly articulate for them. This can be very difficult for people to do, and often with good reason. Nowhere in the Torah does it say we have to be a martyr. But all throughout the Torah we are told that treating our parents with dignity, respect and compassion, simply because they gave us the gift of life, is one of the most cherished and important responsibilities we have on this earth.
Here's a quick overview on the essentials of honoring your parents, adapted from "Love your Neighbor" by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. These few simple rules can make a real difference in your relationship with your parents.
1. Honor your parents by treating them as distinguished, even if they're not.
2. Speak to your parents in a soft and pleasant tone. The Tamud (Baba Metzia 58b) tells us that distressing someone with words is worse than cheating them financially. Taking someone's dignity is worse than taking their money. We would never think of cheating our mother, yet when it comes to speaking respectfully, too often negative words slip out.
3. Treat your parents respectfully by always calling them "Mom" or "Dad" or "Mother" or "Father." Calling your parents by their first name is considered disrespectful, as is disturbing their sleep and sitting in their usual place, in the home, synagogue etc.
4. Serve your parents food and drink with a pleasant expression. Welcome them in and escort them out.
Have a great Shabbos,
Ali
Friday, March 5, 2010
Real Self Esteem
This week's Weekly Wisdom for Modern Lives is sponsored by Doris and Ron Lazarus in honor of their new grandaughter. They write: "Perla Belle, came into our world on Purim, Feb. 28th, 2010. Proud parents and big sister, Matthew, Jennifer and Talia Seidner are overjoyed, as are we, with our gift from G-d. Another descendant of the Shoah has been added to our family tree. We are grateful to Hashem for Pnina Yaffit our "precious pearl".
"Listen to him talking, and he's only ten months old!"
"Amazing job going down that slide sweetie!"
"You are so incredible, check out those straight A's!"
When it comes to building our children's self image, we well-meaning parents often make a critical blunder. We somehow figure that the more praise we heap on, the better our kids feel about themselves, and the greater their self esteem will be. Armed with their best interest in mind, we cheer every hit, we applaud every good grade, we make sure our child knows he's the most capable, amazing kid this side of the Western Hemisphere.
But if more praise leads to more self confidence, why do the most idolized people often fall the hardest? Some of the heaviest and darkest falls are in the lives of those rock stars, sports icons and those other rich and famous people who live in the limelight of a constant flow of praise. It simply cannot be that praise alone builds a strong sense of self.
From a Jewish perspective, empty praise may build an inflated ego, but it certainly doesn't build a mensch. Where does true self esteem come from, and how do parents build their children in a deeper, more meaningful way?
The greatest responsibility a parent has is to truly understand the inner nature of their child. Who is this person, really? Underneath their grades, athletic skills, extra curriculars and social lives lies a more profound quality that is theirs alone. Like a spiritual fingerprint, every person has a deeper, innate quality that makes them special and points to their uniqueness. A parent has to know what that quality is, make the child aware of it and encourage him to use this unique strength to bring more goodness to the world.
Is your child a natural leader? Encourage her to call that child who always gets left out. Is your outgoing son a natural student? Perhaps he could tutor someone who struggles academically.
Does your daughter love to bake? No doubt there's someone who would appreciate something homemade. Does your son have a way with words? How about a letter of thanks to his coach who did so much for him throughout the year. A beautiful smile, an easygoing disposition, an artistic bent; mine your child for that unique strength and channel it for the good.
People feel better about themselves when they are vital, when they feel they can actually contribute to our world. Our kids will too, and I often feel we don't give them enough opportunities to do so. Our job as parents isn't to make our children feel extraordinary just because they saunter into a room, but because they have the ability to be builders of our world, to bring a little more light, to use their unique strengths for goodness. Don't cheer on emptiness! Locate your child's deeper strength and encourage her to brighten the lives of others with her uniqueness. You'll be amazed at how far she can soar.
Good Shabbos,
Ali
* Most of the ideas in this blog come from one of my favorite parenting books, "Raising a Child with Soul" by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff.
"Listen to him talking, and he's only ten months old!"
"Amazing job going down that slide sweetie!"
"You are so incredible, check out those straight A's!"
When it comes to building our children's self image, we well-meaning parents often make a critical blunder. We somehow figure that the more praise we heap on, the better our kids feel about themselves, and the greater their self esteem will be. Armed with their best interest in mind, we cheer every hit, we applaud every good grade, we make sure our child knows he's the most capable, amazing kid this side of the Western Hemisphere.
But if more praise leads to more self confidence, why do the most idolized people often fall the hardest? Some of the heaviest and darkest falls are in the lives of those rock stars, sports icons and those other rich and famous people who live in the limelight of a constant flow of praise. It simply cannot be that praise alone builds a strong sense of self.
From a Jewish perspective, empty praise may build an inflated ego, but it certainly doesn't build a mensch. Where does true self esteem come from, and how do parents build their children in a deeper, more meaningful way?
The greatest responsibility a parent has is to truly understand the inner nature of their child. Who is this person, really? Underneath their grades, athletic skills, extra curriculars and social lives lies a more profound quality that is theirs alone. Like a spiritual fingerprint, every person has a deeper, innate quality that makes them special and points to their uniqueness. A parent has to know what that quality is, make the child aware of it and encourage him to use this unique strength to bring more goodness to the world.
Is your child a natural leader? Encourage her to call that child who always gets left out. Is your outgoing son a natural student? Perhaps he could tutor someone who struggles academically.
Does your daughter love to bake? No doubt there's someone who would appreciate something homemade. Does your son have a way with words? How about a letter of thanks to his coach who did so much for him throughout the year. A beautiful smile, an easygoing disposition, an artistic bent; mine your child for that unique strength and channel it for the good.
People feel better about themselves when they are vital, when they feel they can actually contribute to our world. Our kids will too, and I often feel we don't give them enough opportunities to do so. Our job as parents isn't to make our children feel extraordinary just because they saunter into a room, but because they have the ability to be builders of our world, to bring a little more light, to use their unique strengths for goodness. Don't cheer on emptiness! Locate your child's deeper strength and encourage her to brighten the lives of others with her uniqueness. You'll be amazed at how far she can soar.
Good Shabbos,
Ali
* Most of the ideas in this blog come from one of my favorite parenting books, "Raising a Child with Soul" by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff.
Friday, February 26, 2010
On Becoming Honorable
I'll never forget that bat mitzvah speech I heard over three years ago. It was given by a girl whom I barely knew, and yet her words never left me.
She recounted a phone call that she picked up for her brother from his rabbi at school. "Hello Sara", the rabbi began. "How have you been? It's been a long time since I've see you." Sara mumbled a response (after all, what kid wants to enter into a long discussion with a big scary rabbi?) and quickly gave the phone to her brother.
What's the big deal? This phone call happened a year previous to the day of her bat mitzvah, and yet Sara remembered the feeling of being acknowledged (by name), noticed, inquired about, visible. So much so, that she even chose to speak about it at this most defining moment of her life.
In my own life, I have a similarly vivid memory of a meeting I had with a rabbi when I went to ask for advice. Truthfully, it wasn't the advice that left such an imprint; it was the way I felt sitting there in his office. He was probably one of the busiest, most sought-after leaders in the Jewish world today, yet as I spoke and I shared what was in my heart, it was as if he didn't have another care in the world. No phone calls, no distractions, no tired look in his eyes. It almost seemed as if I was his daughter; I felt at that moment that my feelings were the most important thing in the world to him.
How do we acknowledge the myriad people who factor into our day? Do we thank people by name? Do we recognize the countless people who make our day run more smoothly? Do we look up from what we are doing and genuinely give people our attention? Do we listen? From the people with whom we briefly come into contact (think girl at Starbucks) to the most profound relationships in our lives (think spouse), do we give people the quality of acknowledgement that will make them feel more understood, more valued, more visible than before they came into contact with us?
This sounds cute and simple, and yet we really fall short when it comes to understanding the sheer power of positive acknowledgement and treating each person who crosses our path with honor and respect.
The Ethics of our Fathers tells us, "Who is honored? The one who honors others." (Avos 4:1). In other words, your greatness, your importance, and your honor have nothing to do with how people treat you and everything to do with how you treat others. If you want to feel better about yourself, treat others with respect and honor. Acknowledge them, inquire how they are doing, and listen to them, especially when it's difficult for you.
Every human being is created in the image of the Almighty and possesses an undeniable worth and dignity. Yet you may have noticed we live in a fast-paced, competitive, individualistic and material world, and people very often feel pretty disconnected to this incredible self-worth. One of our greatest gifts is the ability to gift others with increased awareness of their value. This gift is always available, it's free, and it makes us feel great.
So next time you're checking your IPhone while someone is talking to you, remember that there is no text message that you could receive that is greater than the message you are sending that person about how valuable he really is.
Good Shabbos and Purim Samayach
Ali Begoun
She recounted a phone call that she picked up for her brother from his rabbi at school. "Hello Sara", the rabbi began. "How have you been? It's been a long time since I've see you." Sara mumbled a response (after all, what kid wants to enter into a long discussion with a big scary rabbi?) and quickly gave the phone to her brother.
What's the big deal? This phone call happened a year previous to the day of her bat mitzvah, and yet Sara remembered the feeling of being acknowledged (by name), noticed, inquired about, visible. So much so, that she even chose to speak about it at this most defining moment of her life.
In my own life, I have a similarly vivid memory of a meeting I had with a rabbi when I went to ask for advice. Truthfully, it wasn't the advice that left such an imprint; it was the way I felt sitting there in his office. He was probably one of the busiest, most sought-after leaders in the Jewish world today, yet as I spoke and I shared what was in my heart, it was as if he didn't have another care in the world. No phone calls, no distractions, no tired look in his eyes. It almost seemed as if I was his daughter; I felt at that moment that my feelings were the most important thing in the world to him.
How do we acknowledge the myriad people who factor into our day? Do we thank people by name? Do we recognize the countless people who make our day run more smoothly? Do we look up from what we are doing and genuinely give people our attention? Do we listen? From the people with whom we briefly come into contact (think girl at Starbucks) to the most profound relationships in our lives (think spouse), do we give people the quality of acknowledgement that will make them feel more understood, more valued, more visible than before they came into contact with us?
This sounds cute and simple, and yet we really fall short when it comes to understanding the sheer power of positive acknowledgement and treating each person who crosses our path with honor and respect.
The Ethics of our Fathers tells us, "Who is honored? The one who honors others." (Avos 4:1). In other words, your greatness, your importance, and your honor have nothing to do with how people treat you and everything to do with how you treat others. If you want to feel better about yourself, treat others with respect and honor. Acknowledge them, inquire how they are doing, and listen to them, especially when it's difficult for you.
Every human being is created in the image of the Almighty and possesses an undeniable worth and dignity. Yet you may have noticed we live in a fast-paced, competitive, individualistic and material world, and people very often feel pretty disconnected to this incredible self-worth. One of our greatest gifts is the ability to gift others with increased awareness of their value. This gift is always available, it's free, and it makes us feel great.
So next time you're checking your IPhone while someone is talking to you, remember that there is no text message that you could receive that is greater than the message you are sending that person about how valuable he really is.
Good Shabbos and Purim Samayach
Ali Begoun
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Being Half Blind
I recently heard a powerful story about our rabbi, Rav Michel Twerski, who was asked what his parents secret was in raising such incredible children. His answer? "They were half blind."
What did he mean by that? Rav Michel was talking about his parents' ability to simply ignore so many of the negative things they saw their kids do, to simply turn a blind eye to much of the misbehavior. "They didn't see every foolish thing we did, but they made sure to see every drop of good."
Most of you with kids have probably noticed that in the trenches of a typical day, there are simply so many things to take issue with when it comes to our kids. Sometimes it seems like we could spend the entire day nagging and pointing out flaws. Between the TV, the computer, the texting, the junk food, the fighting, the chutzpah, the choice of dress, issues at school (I'll stop here), most parents have no shortage whatsoever of justification in voicing their displeasure with their children.
One of the most fundamental keys to effective parenting is, quite simply, learning to say nothing at all, to express nothing at all, to just not notice. No faces, no eye rolling, no squirming in your seat, no sighing. Of course there are times when we must speak up, to declare something unacceptable, to forbid certain language or behavior in your home. But the important point here is to make a decision to choose a couple of battles, and let the rest go. Practically speaking, that means if you get crazy with about 10 things you see your daughter doing (write this list down...you'll get to about 10 no problem), let eight go, choose two to focus on, and even regarding these two, handle them gently, and rebuke less than you normally would.
Perhaps the greatest hope we have for our children is that they will feel that when they looked in our eyes, they felt approval and acceptance. We have to ask the hard question of what our children see when they look in our eyes? Too much negativity and they'll start to question their worth. One in Five. One negative perception to every five positive. Sound insane, impossible, obnoxious to even put out there into the stratosphere? That's the ratio to shoot for, but it takes work. Work on yourself.
Judaism encourages us to see the world with an "Ayin Tovah", a "good eye". What this means at its essence is to see the positive despite the flaws, to see the good despite the fact that this child is so, so difficult. It means making the conscious decision to not let our anger, disappointment and sheer frustration cloud our vision of who this child is at her essence. See your child with a good eye, and she'll begin to see herself that way as well.
Ali Begoun
What did he mean by that? Rav Michel was talking about his parents' ability to simply ignore so many of the negative things they saw their kids do, to simply turn a blind eye to much of the misbehavior. "They didn't see every foolish thing we did, but they made sure to see every drop of good."
Most of you with kids have probably noticed that in the trenches of a typical day, there are simply so many things to take issue with when it comes to our kids. Sometimes it seems like we could spend the entire day nagging and pointing out flaws. Between the TV, the computer, the texting, the junk food, the fighting, the chutzpah, the choice of dress, issues at school (I'll stop here), most parents have no shortage whatsoever of justification in voicing their displeasure with their children.
One of the most fundamental keys to effective parenting is, quite simply, learning to say nothing at all, to express nothing at all, to just not notice. No faces, no eye rolling, no squirming in your seat, no sighing. Of course there are times when we must speak up, to declare something unacceptable, to forbid certain language or behavior in your home. But the important point here is to make a decision to choose a couple of battles, and let the rest go. Practically speaking, that means if you get crazy with about 10 things you see your daughter doing (write this list down...you'll get to about 10 no problem), let eight go, choose two to focus on, and even regarding these two, handle them gently, and rebuke less than you normally would.
Perhaps the greatest hope we have for our children is that they will feel that when they looked in our eyes, they felt approval and acceptance. We have to ask the hard question of what our children see when they look in our eyes? Too much negativity and they'll start to question their worth. One in Five. One negative perception to every five positive. Sound insane, impossible, obnoxious to even put out there into the stratosphere? That's the ratio to shoot for, but it takes work. Work on yourself.
Judaism encourages us to see the world with an "Ayin Tovah", a "good eye". What this means at its essence is to see the positive despite the flaws, to see the good despite the fact that this child is so, so difficult. It means making the conscious decision to not let our anger, disappointment and sheer frustration cloud our vision of who this child is at her essence. See your child with a good eye, and she'll begin to see herself that way as well.
Ali Begoun
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Effective Communication
Many couples complain they suffer from poor communication. For their relationship to improve, people feel they need more clear communication with their spouse about exactly how they're feeling.
But do we really want to communicate just to find out how bad things really are?
Communication is a neutral transport container, through which our feelings pass. Whatever you put in is what comes out. If feelings are positive and hopeful, communication strengthens the relationship. If feelings are negative and critical, communication weakens the closeness between partners. If dirty, polluted water passed through a pipe into your water tank, you would never say that pipe is improving your quality of life. Obviously the issue is not the pipe but the quality of water that passes through it. The same thing is true of communication, which is the pipe and our feelings, which are the water. If we have good feelings toward each other, communication enhances. If we are angry, insecure, frustrated or in a low mood, communication only makes the distance greater and the problems we have that much more magnified.
Sounds like common sense, and yet how many of us feel we have to analyze, rehash, talk it through and get to the bottom of it when we are feeling low and misunderstood? Low moods are a fact of life and happen to all of us, and when we're in them everything seems difficult. We're unhappy, insecure, impatient and defensive. Our relationships seem shallow and filled with problems. We see problems, crises, and feel little satisfaction. Most of all, life seems like an emergency, and we feel we need to act on our feelings by communicating them immediately.
Low moods are no fun, but they're not really such a big deal if we know how to handle them. If we don't overreact and we understand that moods come and go and make us see life negatively, then we'll be protected from ourselves and know it's never in our best interest to make big decisions, have important conversations, or even pay so much attention to ourselves when we're in a low state of mind.
Most people discuss their problems when they feel stressed, when in fact they should do just the opposite. You might be thinking, "But if we wait until we feel relaxed we won't perceive we have any problems." Exactly! Most problems only appear to be problems when you're feeling bad. Be patient, wait it out and squelch the negative voice. Work on enjoying your relationship and don't focus on your problems when you're feeling negative. You may discover something pretty amazing: problems are a function of the way you feel and negative feelings grow when you focus on them.
But do we really want to communicate just to find out how bad things really are?
Communication is a neutral transport container, through which our feelings pass. Whatever you put in is what comes out. If feelings are positive and hopeful, communication strengthens the relationship. If feelings are negative and critical, communication weakens the closeness between partners. If dirty, polluted water passed through a pipe into your water tank, you would never say that pipe is improving your quality of life. Obviously the issue is not the pipe but the quality of water that passes through it. The same thing is true of communication, which is the pipe and our feelings, which are the water. If we have good feelings toward each other, communication enhances. If we are angry, insecure, frustrated or in a low mood, communication only makes the distance greater and the problems we have that much more magnified.
Sounds like common sense, and yet how many of us feel we have to analyze, rehash, talk it through and get to the bottom of it when we are feeling low and misunderstood? Low moods are a fact of life and happen to all of us, and when we're in them everything seems difficult. We're unhappy, insecure, impatient and defensive. Our relationships seem shallow and filled with problems. We see problems, crises, and feel little satisfaction. Most of all, life seems like an emergency, and we feel we need to act on our feelings by communicating them immediately.
Low moods are no fun, but they're not really such a big deal if we know how to handle them. If we don't overreact and we understand that moods come and go and make us see life negatively, then we'll be protected from ourselves and know it's never in our best interest to make big decisions, have important conversations, or even pay so much attention to ourselves when we're in a low state of mind.
Most people discuss their problems when they feel stressed, when in fact they should do just the opposite. You might be thinking, "But if we wait until we feel relaxed we won't perceive we have any problems." Exactly! Most problems only appear to be problems when you're feeling bad. Be patient, wait it out and squelch the negative voice. Work on enjoying your relationship and don't focus on your problems when you're feeling negative. You may discover something pretty amazing: problems are a function of the way you feel and negative feelings grow when you focus on them.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Why is this religion different than all other religions?
Has anyone ever asked you the $64,000 question: “Why should I believe that Judaism is any more ‘correct’ in its claims than the other religions? After all, there are over a billion Christians and close to a billion and a half Muslims who believe that they are right and we are wrong! What makes us so sure in our beliefs?” We must be prepared to answer this question especially if it comes from our children. Their future as Jews depends on our ability to articulate this to them. I had a great discussion this week with a group of men in Highland Park, and I want to share with you a concise summary of what we talked about.
Every religion has its “story” or “claim” which is used to explain exactly how it came to possess its unique theology and spiritual knowledge. These claims will inevitably include a description of some “revelation” or get-together between the Divine Being and the leader or prophet. The question that one must ask is simply: is this claim believable? When you look across the spectrum of major world religions, barring Judaism, there is a glaring commonality. Their “stories” or “claims” inevitably involve the retelling of a “personal” revelation where the Supernal Being tapped one individual on the shoulder informing him, and him alone, that G-d had “changed His mind,” rejected the Jews, selected a new “Chosen People” and appointed this fortunate individual as the new prophet or leader.
This reminds me of an old joke. (Sorry I can’t hold back here. It isn’t such a funny joke but it illustrates the point). There was once a great Chassidic Rabbi, the leader of a prestigious dynasty, who passed away leaving several sons. The squabbling began, each claiming that he was the heir to the rabbinic throne. One day, the youngest son gathered together the court of elders and informed them, “last night my father, the holy rabbi of blessed memory, came to me in a dream and informed me that I am to become the new Grand Rabbi.” The elders thought for a moment, stroking their long white beards, until finally one spoke up. “Yankel, if your father wanted you to be the Rebbe, he should have come to us in a dream!”
Only Judaism makes a qualitatively different claim. The Torah says that G-d spoke directly to the two to three million Israelites as they stood at the foot of Mt. Sinai. Now that is a pretty hard sell if it never happened. Let’s pretend that Moses was making this whole thing up. Imagine the scene:
“Hey Moses, what is that scroll you got there?”
“Oh, check this out it is pretty cool,” Moses says as he hands them this bogus document.
“Wait just one second. It says here that all 3 million of us saw G-d speaking to us at the foot of this mountain. That’s funny. Please explain why not a single one of us has any recollection of this?”
You simply can’t make such a claim and expect anyone to believe it if it never happened. And that is precisely why no other religion ever made such a claim. Think about it, why would G-d choose a “new people” and appoint a new prophet in a way that could never be verified or validated? Paul, Mohamed, Joseph Smith and the others all agreed that G-d revealed himself to the entire Jewish nation at Mt. Sinai. Why then, pray tell, did they not at least make a similar claim that G-d appeared to all the Christians or Muslims or Mormons? The answer is simple. They understood that there is no way to make such a preposterous claim and expect anyone to believe it if it never happened. They had no choice but to settle for the far inferior claim that “G-d appeared to me and told me to tell you…”
In my opinion, this fact, more than any other, is what distinguishes the Jewish religion and makes it far more credible. How did Moses convince 3 million critical, stiff-necked Jews that they all saw G-d communicate to them if it never happened? All other monotheistic religions validate the Jewish claim. Why don’t they claim that their revelations happened in a similar way? Because you can not fabricate such a lie and expect millions of people to believe they saw something that they did not.
Have a good Shabbos.
David
Every religion has its “story” or “claim” which is used to explain exactly how it came to possess its unique theology and spiritual knowledge. These claims will inevitably include a description of some “revelation” or get-together between the Divine Being and the leader or prophet. The question that one must ask is simply: is this claim believable? When you look across the spectrum of major world religions, barring Judaism, there is a glaring commonality. Their “stories” or “claims” inevitably involve the retelling of a “personal” revelation where the Supernal Being tapped one individual on the shoulder informing him, and him alone, that G-d had “changed His mind,” rejected the Jews, selected a new “Chosen People” and appointed this fortunate individual as the new prophet or leader.
This reminds me of an old joke. (Sorry I can’t hold back here. It isn’t such a funny joke but it illustrates the point). There was once a great Chassidic Rabbi, the leader of a prestigious dynasty, who passed away leaving several sons. The squabbling began, each claiming that he was the heir to the rabbinic throne. One day, the youngest son gathered together the court of elders and informed them, “last night my father, the holy rabbi of blessed memory, came to me in a dream and informed me that I am to become the new Grand Rabbi.” The elders thought for a moment, stroking their long white beards, until finally one spoke up. “Yankel, if your father wanted you to be the Rebbe, he should have come to us in a dream!”
Only Judaism makes a qualitatively different claim. The Torah says that G-d spoke directly to the two to three million Israelites as they stood at the foot of Mt. Sinai. Now that is a pretty hard sell if it never happened. Let’s pretend that Moses was making this whole thing up. Imagine the scene:
“Hey Moses, what is that scroll you got there?”
“Oh, check this out it is pretty cool,” Moses says as he hands them this bogus document.
“Wait just one second. It says here that all 3 million of us saw G-d speaking to us at the foot of this mountain. That’s funny. Please explain why not a single one of us has any recollection of this?”
You simply can’t make such a claim and expect anyone to believe it if it never happened. And that is precisely why no other religion ever made such a claim. Think about it, why would G-d choose a “new people” and appoint a new prophet in a way that could never be verified or validated? Paul, Mohamed, Joseph Smith and the others all agreed that G-d revealed himself to the entire Jewish nation at Mt. Sinai. Why then, pray tell, did they not at least make a similar claim that G-d appeared to all the Christians or Muslims or Mormons? The answer is simple. They understood that there is no way to make such a preposterous claim and expect anyone to believe it if it never happened. They had no choice but to settle for the far inferior claim that “G-d appeared to me and told me to tell you…”
In my opinion, this fact, more than any other, is what distinguishes the Jewish religion and makes it far more credible. How did Moses convince 3 million critical, stiff-necked Jews that they all saw G-d communicate to them if it never happened? All other monotheistic religions validate the Jewish claim. Why don’t they claim that their revelations happened in a similar way? Because you can not fabricate such a lie and expect millions of people to believe they saw something that they did not.
Have a good Shabbos.
David
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Listening with your ears.
Recently I have been discussing with many of my students the powerful concept from our Sages (Pirkei Avot 6:6) of shmi’at b’ozen, listening with your ears.
Listening with your ears? Isn’t that redundant? Not really. In truth, we very rarely listen with the sole purpose of understanding more what lies in the heart of another person and gaining true insight into where they are coming from. At best, we listen superficially, all the while forming our response which we offer at the first possible available moment. Too often, we listen more with our egos than our ears, ready to pounce with a criticism (“You simply have to get in control with the kids”) or a more subtle condemnation (“Whatever…”) that closes the person down and leaves him or her feeling misunderstood. The truth is, most of us want to be heard far more than we want to listen, which is the source of all the interruption, lack of feeling understood, poor communication and yelling and screaming we too often experience in our homes.
There’s nowhere where this truth is more apparent than in our marriages, where the stakes are high, the emotions can be heated, and the feeling of being misunderstood is most acute.
What to do? The first step is understanding that there is pretty much nothing in life (especially in married life) more gratifying than to speak your heart out to someone who is fully attentive. What does it mean to be fully attentive? First and foremost, it means to listen fully without defending yourself or contradicting the other (even though you’re dying to set the record straight…) in any way. The moment you challenge is the moment communication ceases, no matter how good a point you have on your side. There will be time for you to be the speaker at another point. The goal is to genuinely want to understand your spouse’s (or your boss, child etc.) feelings, despite the fact that your desires and frustrations are real and legitimate. Live and behave with this goal in mind and see what happens.
I suggest this:
When the time is right and both of you are more upbeat and calm, ask your spouse the following question (you may have to adjust the wording to make it sound more authentic to who you are):
“What do you feel I can do to enhance the feeling of respect and love in our relationship?”
Ask the question…and then here’s the hard part. Be quiet! Many spouses may initially answer “Um…I don’t know…,” but if you persevere and don’t put yourself right back in there you may actually get your spouse to communicate feelings he or she wasn’t able to verbalize until this point. This will leave the person feeling heard, understood without being judged and appreciated, which are the essential ingredients we all need to want closeness and to try harder to improve.
Ask. Be quiet. Accept the answer and don’t answer back. Listen with your ears, and make trying to understand the world of the other your number one goal. You may be surprised what you discover.
Listening with your ears? Isn’t that redundant? Not really. In truth, we very rarely listen with the sole purpose of understanding more what lies in the heart of another person and gaining true insight into where they are coming from. At best, we listen superficially, all the while forming our response which we offer at the first possible available moment. Too often, we listen more with our egos than our ears, ready to pounce with a criticism (“You simply have to get in control with the kids”) or a more subtle condemnation (“Whatever…”) that closes the person down and leaves him or her feeling misunderstood. The truth is, most of us want to be heard far more than we want to listen, which is the source of all the interruption, lack of feeling understood, poor communication and yelling and screaming we too often experience in our homes.
There’s nowhere where this truth is more apparent than in our marriages, where the stakes are high, the emotions can be heated, and the feeling of being misunderstood is most acute.
What to do? The first step is understanding that there is pretty much nothing in life (especially in married life) more gratifying than to speak your heart out to someone who is fully attentive. What does it mean to be fully attentive? First and foremost, it means to listen fully without defending yourself or contradicting the other (even though you’re dying to set the record straight…) in any way. The moment you challenge is the moment communication ceases, no matter how good a point you have on your side. There will be time for you to be the speaker at another point. The goal is to genuinely want to understand your spouse’s (or your boss, child etc.) feelings, despite the fact that your desires and frustrations are real and legitimate. Live and behave with this goal in mind and see what happens.
I suggest this:
When the time is right and both of you are more upbeat and calm, ask your spouse the following question (you may have to adjust the wording to make it sound more authentic to who you are):
“What do you feel I can do to enhance the feeling of respect and love in our relationship?”
Ask the question…and then here’s the hard part. Be quiet! Many spouses may initially answer “Um…I don’t know…,” but if you persevere and don’t put yourself right back in there you may actually get your spouse to communicate feelings he or she wasn’t able to verbalize until this point. This will leave the person feeling heard, understood without being judged and appreciated, which are the essential ingredients we all need to want closeness and to try harder to improve.
Ask. Be quiet. Accept the answer and don’t answer back. Listen with your ears, and make trying to understand the world of the other your number one goal. You may be surprised what you discover.
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