Effective Communication

Many couples complain they suffer from poor communication. For their relationship to improve, people feel they need more clear communication with their spouse about exactly how they're feeling.

But do we really want to communicate just to find out how bad things really are?

Communication is a neutral transport container, through which our feelings pass. Whatever you put in is what comes out. If feelings are positive and hopeful, communication strengthens the relationship. If feelings are negative and critical, communication weakens the closeness between partners. If dirty, polluted water passed through a pipe into your water tank, you would never say that pipe is improving your quality of life. Obviously the issue is not the pipe but the quality of water that passes through it. The same thing is true of communication, which is the pipe and our feelings, which are the water. If we have good feelings toward each other, communication enhances. If we are angry, insecure, frustrated or in a low mood, communication only makes the distance greater and the problems we have that much more magnified.

Sounds like common sense, and yet how many of us feel we have to analyze, rehash, talk it through and get to the bottom of it when we are feeling low and misunderstood? Low moods are a fact of life and happen to all of us, and when we're in them everything seems difficult. We're unhappy, insecure, impatient and defensive. Our relationships seem shallow and filled with problems. We see problems, crises, and feel little satisfaction. Most of all, life seems like an emergency, and we feel we need to act on our feelings by communicating them immediately.

Low moods are no fun, but they're not really such a big deal if we know how to handle them. If we don't overreact and we understand that moods come and go and make us see life negatively, then we'll be protected from ourselves and know it's never in our best interest to make big decisions, have important conversations, or even pay so much attention to ourselves when we're in a low state of mind.

Most people discuss their problems when they feel stressed, when in fact they should do just the opposite. You might be thinking, "But if we wait until we feel relaxed we won't perceive we have any problems." Exactly! Most problems only appear to be problems when you're feeling bad. Be patient, wait it out and squelch the negative voice. Work on enjoying your relationship and don't focus on your problems when you're feeling negative. You may discover something pretty amazing: problems are a function of the way you feel and negative feelings grow when you focus on them.