Real Self Esteem

This week's Weekly Wisdom for Modern Lives is sponsored by Doris and Ron Lazarus in honor of their new grandaughter. They write: "Perla Belle, came into our world on Purim, Feb. 28th, 2010. Proud parents and big sister, Matthew, Jennifer and Talia Seidner are overjoyed, as are we, with our gift from G-d. Another descendant of the Shoah has been added to our family tree. We are grateful to Hashem for Pnina Yaffit our "precious pearl".


"Listen to him talking, and he's only ten months old!"
"Amazing job going down that slide sweetie!"
"You are so incredible, check out those straight A's!"

When it comes to building our children's self image, we well-meaning parents often make a critical blunder. We somehow figure that the more praise we heap on, the better our kids feel about themselves, and the greater their self esteem will be. Armed with their best interest in mind, we cheer every hit, we applaud every good grade, we make sure our child knows he's the most capable, amazing kid this side of the Western Hemisphere.

But if more praise leads to more self confidence, why do the most idolized people often fall the hardest? Some of the heaviest and darkest falls are in the lives of those rock stars, sports icons and those other rich and famous people who live in the limelight of a constant flow of praise. It simply cannot be that praise alone builds a strong sense of self.

From a Jewish perspective, empty praise may build an inflated ego, but it certainly doesn't build a mensch. Where does true self esteem come from, and how do parents build their children in a deeper, more meaningful way?

The greatest responsibility a parent has is to truly understand the inner nature of their child. Who is this person, really? Underneath their grades, athletic skills, extra curriculars and social lives lies a more profound quality that is theirs alone. Like a spiritual fingerprint, every person has a deeper, innate quality that makes them special and points to their uniqueness. A parent has to know what that quality is, make the child aware of it and encourage him to use this unique strength to bring more goodness to the world.

Is your child a natural leader? Encourage her to call that child who always gets left out. Is your outgoing son a natural student? Perhaps he could tutor someone who struggles academically.
Does your daughter love to bake? No doubt there's someone who would appreciate something homemade. Does your son have a way with words? How about a letter of thanks to his coach who did so much for him throughout the year. A beautiful smile, an easygoing disposition, an artistic bent; mine your child for that unique strength and channel it for the good.

People feel better about themselves when they are vital, when they feel they can actually contribute to our world. Our kids will too, and I often feel we don't give them enough opportunities to do so. Our job as parents isn't to make our children feel extraordinary just because they saunter into a room, but because they have the ability to be builders of our world, to bring a little more light, to use their unique strengths for goodness. Don't cheer on emptiness! Locate your child's deeper strength and encourage her to brighten the lives of others with her uniqueness. You'll be amazed at how far she can soar.

Good Shabbos,

Ali

* Most of the ideas in this blog come from one of my favorite parenting books, "Raising a Child with Soul" by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff.