Honor in Practice

We would like to dedicate this week's blog to my dear couisins Stuart Borg and his children Nancy, Neil and Lisa. May Hashem give you the strength to make it through this painful time.

Many parents lament about the overall lack of respect they feel pervades the environment in their home. Instead of gratitude and a deep awareness of the endless goods and services being channelled their way, many kids walk around entitled, bored and essentially clueness that they are on the receiving end of so much good.

There's a lot to say about this subject, but let's start at the very beginning.

Have you ever heard the story of the burgher Shmuel?

Shmuel's elderly father suffered from a condition that left his fingers trembling, and as a result kept spilling his stew on the tablecloth. One day the old man dropped a china teacup on the floor and it broke into many pieces.

"That's it, father", said Shmuel. "From now on you'll eat in your own room with this wooden bowl and spoon. That way you won't break anything and we'll have some piece of mind around here!"

The next day Shmuel saw his son attempting to carve out a large piece of wood. "My dearest son, what are you doing sweet boy?"

His son's reply? "I'm making a bowl for you father, so you can use it to eat in your own room where your hands tremble too much to eat at the family table."

If we parents want to see more respect in our own homes, we would do well to examine how much respect and loving care we show our own parents. Are we so busy achieving and watching our children achieve that we forget to regularly show gratitude to our parents? If you want to inculcate more respect in your home, constant reminding, warning and nagging have a lot less weight than living by sheer example. Show them what respect looks like in action. If you are blessed to have parents still alive, take a moment to reflect on how you behave toward them. Do you call them regularly, speak to them respectfully, and meet their physical and emotional needs with a pleasant attitude? Do your children see you doing this?

If you're reading this and struggling through it because you feel you were seriously misunderstood or mistreated by your parents, please know that is a very common and very real dilemna. Why should a person show consistent gratitude and respect to parents who were extremely critical or negative? (Please note there are exemptions in severe situations of abuse and neglect.)

Let's imagine you received a car from your parents for your 18th birthday. You check out your new car with excitement, but you stop in your tracks when you see it. Your new car has no wheels! You are despondant and spend the next few weeks pouting and lamenting your situation. After all, what good is a car with no wheels?

In truth, you're making a choice. You could sit around and pout or you could go earn some money and buy new wheels!

We are often very quick to blame our parents for the shortcomings and struggles we face in our lives today. In essence, we're acting like the person who gets the car without the wheels. Did our parents make mistakes raising us? Of course they did! And yet, we have the ability to accept what they gave--the good and the bad-- and make the best effort in our lives to be the best we can be.

Their mistakes do not exempt us from the obligation to honor them...even if the only reason is that they gave us life. Contrary to popular belief, our parents don't owe us. We owe them. They gave us life, and the gratitude we should feel for this gift should inspire us to show them great honor and respect.

So next time you're calling your parents, wait until your children get home to make the call. Let them hear the way you speak, how you inquire about their well being and the gratitude you clearly articulate for them. This can be very difficult for people to do, and often with good reason. Nowhere in the Torah does it say we have to be a martyr. But all throughout the Torah we are told that treating our parents with dignity, respect and compassion, simply because they gave us the gift of life, is one of the most cherished and important responsibilities we have on this earth.

Here's a quick overview on the essentials of honoring your parents, adapted from "Love your Neighbor" by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. These few simple rules can make a real difference in your relationship with your parents.

1. Honor your parents by treating them as distinguished, even if they're not.

2. Speak to your parents in a soft and pleasant tone. The Tamud (Baba Metzia 58b) tells us that distressing someone with words is worse than cheating them financially. Taking someone's dignity is worse than taking their money. We would never think of cheating our mother, yet when it comes to speaking respectfully, too often negative words slip out.

3. Treat your parents respectfully by always calling them "Mom" or "Dad" or "Mother" or "Father." Calling your parents by their first name is considered disrespectful, as is disturbing their sleep and sitting in their usual place, in the home, synagogue etc.

4. Serve your parents food and drink with a pleasant expression. Welcome them in and escort them out.


Have a great Shabbos,

Ali