Be an Effective Communicator

What makes a marriage healthy and positive? Is it the ability to get along, to stop fighting and live a life devoid of conflict? Not really. The single most common cause of marital disharmony today is the failure to communicate effectively. When couples are able to communicate effectively they can resolve even the most major of differences. But when couples do not have communication skills, every disagreement, no matter how insignificant, is grounds for serious tension, misunderstanding and pain.

What this means is that it’s absolutely okay to be different from your spouse, to enjoy different things and have vastly different tastes and preferences. It’s okay to be disappointed and fight. Some people believe that a healthy marriage is one where there isn’t conflict. Actually, the problem is not that couples fight, it’s how they fight. Good marriages are not characterized by the absence of disagreement; rather, the ease with which a couple can negotiate and work through their differences. If you’re encountering stress in your marriage, chances are it is not about differing views about money, your social world, raising your children, your intimate life, your renewed interest in your career, or whatever disagreement is currently burbling between you. Most likely it is simply that you haven’t learned how to communicate clearly and effectively without fighting, retreating into silence or feeling generally misunderstood.

Good communication isn’t a cure all, but it is the most powerful first step toward building more understanding in your marriage, of getting more of your needs met and of giving to your spouse in the way they really need.

So let’s begin at the beginning, and keep it simple so we can get the most out of this blog possible!

Express Negative Feelings Constructively

That’s number one. If you’re pressuring yourself to stop feeling bitter, resentful, disappointed or annoyed, forget about it! These feelings are an inevitable part of sharing your life with another human being with a vastly different personality (as you may have noticed), so be gentle with yourself and trust that negative feelings are normal and inevitable. We don’t have to worry when negative feelings come to the surface. The real question is how are we expressing these inevitable feelings? A healthy marriage is one where the space feels safe, meaning a couple learns to listen to each other and express themselves in a way that doesn’t cause pain. When negative feelings are vented in anger, sarcasm, ridicule or holding it all in in charged silence, a person doesn’t feel safe to share what’s on their mind. Deepening trust by expressing negative feelings constructively and genuinely listening to our spouse is what creates that safe space which we all yearn for in our marriage.

So how do we do it?

Rule #1: Do not exaggerate.

Try to avoid words like “always” and “never.” If your wife criticized you in front of the children, that doesn’t mean she “always” does it. If your husband forgot your son’s appointment with the pediatrician, it doesn’t mean he “never” puts the needs of the family first. Your husband “never” notices how nice you look, your wife “always” focuses on the kids instead of you. Let me guess, does your husband “always” forget to do his one household task, like take out the garbage? (Maybe I’m just projecting!)
Exaggerating helps us let off steam and gives us relief from our frustrations with our spouse, and it might be routed in partial truth. Your wife really might be compulsively clean and your husband might be overly obsessed with the Blackhawks. It doesn’t matter. Exaggeration only succeeds in causing our spouse to tune us out and feel totally discredited. “If I’m always making mistakes, why bother to try?”

Rule #2: Don’t be a mind reader.

How infuriating is it to be told that you had malicious motives or harmful intentions? When I assume that I know better than you what you were really thinking, I take your power away. Even if you are correct and you accurately assessed your spouse’s intentions, it simply hurts to tell them what they are thinking or the motivations for doing what they did.
Don’t assume and don’t guess what their motivations were letting the kids spend 3 hours straight playing video games. Ask them, and be prepared to listen to their response (the subject of next week’s blog).

Rule #3: As for what you want.

Instead of complaining about what’s wrong or not saying anything at all and letting the frustration fester until you hit your head on the coffee table and violently explode three days later, ask for what you want. Complaining is annoying and creates distance. An expression of a desire is clear and positive. What does this obvious yet untapped way of communicating look like?
Instead of “We never go out anymore,” how about, “I would really enjoy a date night once a week.”
Instead of whining, “I’m sick of cooking!”, try, “It would be a major relief to go out for dinner tonight.”
How about, “I’m not your maid!!” How would it sound to simply express, “I realize I have to up the amount of cleaning help in this house.”

For some reason we equate our spouse’s undying love for us with some kind of prophetic power, where they really should intuit our needs if they really loved us. Let go of that myth, stop complaining or retreating and ask for what you want.

Rule #4: Don’t generalize.

Resist broad, sweeping general statements and get specific! We generalize because we’re hurting and want to get it all in. But while it may temporarily satisfy us it makes it almost impossible for your spouse to hear you. If you find yourself complaining that your spouse doesn’t show you enough respect and consideration and seems to have almost no regard for your feelings, back up and regroup. Supply your spouse with the specific information they need to rectify their behavior. When our husband gets home and immediately starts glancing at his phone, it’s easy to go straight to letting him know how very invisible you feel and how utterly selfish and clueless he is. But you may have noticed that doesn’t really get you anywhere. Resist telling him what an ogre he is and instead try to calmly let him know that you would love him not to look at his phone when he first gets home.

Rule #5: Use more “I” statements and less “You” statements.

A criticism that begins with “You” generally feels like an attack. A comment like, “You don’t appreciate all the hard work I do to keep our family afloat” simply arouses defensiveness. You may be right. Your spouse may hardly ever praise you or show gratitude for all the work you do, and that hurts! But by beginning a complaint with “You”, we elicit defensiveness instead of empathy. It’s far more effective to express hurt feelings with “I” statements, such as, “Last night at dinner I felt you were criticizing me in front of the children when you told me not to start up again.”

This is a long list, I suggest you print it out and take it slow. Resist reading it quickly and shuttling it into cyberspace. Think about one point and how you could integrate it into your communication with your spouse. They are powerful points and can go a tremendous way toward improving any marriage.

Warm Regards,

Ali Begoun