On Becoming Honorable

I'll never forget that bat mitzvah speech I heard over three years ago. It was given by a girl whom I barely knew, and yet her words never left me.

She recounted a phone call that she picked up for her brother from his rabbi at school. "Hello Sara", the rabbi began. "How have you been? It's been a long time since I've see you." Sara mumbled a response (after all, what kid wants to enter into a long discussion with a big scary rabbi?) and quickly gave the phone to her brother.

What's the big deal? This phone call happened a year previous to the day of her bat mitzvah, and yet Sara remembered the feeling of being acknowledged (by name), noticed, inquired about, visible. So much so, that she even chose to speak about it at this most defining moment of her life.

In my own life, I have a similarly vivid memory of a meeting I had with a rabbi when I went to ask for advice. Truthfully, it wasn't the advice that left such an imprint; it was the way I felt sitting there in his office. He was probably one of the busiest, most sought-after leaders in the Jewish world today, yet as I spoke and I shared what was in my heart, it was as if he didn't have another care in the world. No phone calls, no distractions, no tired look in his eyes. It almost seemed as if I was his daughter; I felt at that moment that my feelings were the most important thing in the world to him.

How do we acknowledge the myriad people who factor into our day? Do we thank people by name? Do we recognize the countless people who make our day run more smoothly? Do we look up from what we are doing and genuinely give people our attention? Do we listen? From the people with whom we briefly come into contact (think girl at Starbucks) to the most profound relationships in our lives (think spouse), do we give people the quality of acknowledgement that will make them feel more understood, more valued, more visible than before they came into contact with us?

This sounds cute and simple, and yet we really fall short when it comes to understanding the sheer power of positive acknowledgement and treating each person who crosses our path with honor and respect.

The Ethics of our Fathers tells us, "Who is honored? The one who honors others." (Avos 4:1). In other words, your greatness, your importance, and your honor have nothing to do with how people treat you and everything to do with how you treat others. If you want to feel better about yourself, treat others with respect and honor. Acknowledge them, inquire how they are doing, and listen to them, especially when it's difficult for you.

Every human being is created in the image of the Almighty and possesses an undeniable worth and dignity. Yet you may have noticed we live in a fast-paced, competitive, individualistic and material world, and people very often feel pretty disconnected to this incredible self-worth. One of our greatest gifts is the ability to gift others with increased awareness of their value. This gift is always available, it's free, and it makes us feel great.

So next time you're checking your IPhone while someone is talking to you, remember that there is no text message that you could receive that is greater than the message you are sending that person about how valuable he really is.

Good Shabbos and Purim Samayach

Ali Begoun