For a long time now, I’ve wanted to write about bonding with our teenage children…but I didn’t dare! Who am I to write about the challenges of parenting teens in such incredibly challenging times when my oldest is not yet 14! Even Dr. Wendy Mogel, child psychiatrist and best-selling author of the modern day parenting bible, “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee,” felt she had to wait “in the refrigerator” until her youngest turned 18, at which point she felt she possessed the “right” to know what she was talking about and give the critical advice and wisdom parents so desperately needed.
That being said, I’m writing this anyway. Why? Because I genuinely believe that I’ll still agree with the words I’m writing when it’s my turn to tumble out of the proverbial refrigerator. (although I might come out a little black and blue!)
There is no question that the times we face are unique in the severity and intensity of challenges we face. Alcohol. Drugs. (Okay, those existed when we were kids too.) Violent media. (That’s pretty new.) Social media. (That’s seriously new.) Technology of every kind imaginable and discomfort with anything but the most immediate forms of gratification (That’s absolutely new.) What’s okay and what’s not? How do we discipline? Where do we draw the line? What is acceptable? What is negotiable? Who says?
And who are we, by the way, in our role as parents? Are we our teenager’s friend? Mentor? Authoritative figure? A little of each?
Are there definitive answers to raising our teenage children in these confusing times?
Indeed, there is one simple truth that will never go away. And that is, quite simply, the incredible importance of developing a relationship with your teenager. The more relationship we have with them, the more impact we stand to have in their lives. Marriage and Family Therapist Daniel Schonbuch created the equation: I = QR. I is for Impact. We have to internalize that the degree of impact we have on our teenaged children is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship (QR) we have developed with them. It’s that simple. And it’s that difficult.
For quite some time child psychiatrists have taken note of the various kinds of attachment that exist between parent and child. There is what is called “anxious attachment.” This form of attachment is otherwise known as helicopter parenting, which is characterized by intense concern and irrational preoccupation with our children’s vulnerability. What if Samantha gets left out of this new group of friends? What if Jonah doesn’t make the hockey team and all his friends do? What if no one asks Maya to the prom? Nu?(as we say lovingly in Yiddish), What if? What if? Then maybe she’ll learn the strength of character that only reveals itself from a certain amount of vulnerability!
Another form of negative attachment is known as “avoiding attachment,” where parents deactivate the part of them that is responsive, emotionally reliant and connected.
And then there is “secure attachment,” which comes down to choosing to act in ways that increase the relationship with our children and build the quality of the bond. The more secure the attachment is between parent and child, the better the child will feel and the more likely a parent will be able to influence the life of the child. Even the most rebellious child, deep down, craves a secure relationship with his parents.
And ultimately, no matter how outrageous or horrifying the behavior of a teen may be, a parent needs to do honest soul searching before any discipline can take place. They have to ask themselves where they honestly stand in their relationship with the child. If parents are frustrated that the child is totally rebellious, angry or resentful, that pain needs to be placed squarely in the context of the kind of emotional bond that exists between them. Their impact on their child will only be as strong as the quality of relationship that parent and child have together. It’s that simple. And it’s that difficult.
Ask yourself (and brace yourself for the answer): How much time do you spend with your teenager without the background of phone buzzing, computer on alert, TV on, a movie being half watched? How much total quality time do you have with this older child a week? Several hours? One hour? Twenty minutes? Five minutes? None, really?
In our materialistic times, this may come as a surprise. Kids don’t need presents. They need your presence. They need to see that in a totally undivided, unhassled way, you receive pleasure from them and enjoy their company. Do your best to find a few minutes a day where your hands aren’t clutching a phone and your focus is totally on your teenager. Try to find time take them out of the house, for a walk or a drive (put it into your schedule, just as you would do for a client). Go to the park, go bowling, get a drink at Starbucks. Be careful not to argue about anything you normally argue about (even if you’re certainly right). Whatever homework they’re not doing, whatever friends they have that scare you and bring out your greatest fears, don’t bring it up. Try to talk about their feelings or your feelings about anything going on in your lives. If feelings are thoroughly uninteresting to them, talk about sports or music. Whatever is important in their inner world, get inside it and care about it.
I recently heard a story about a boy who was really struggling at school, both socially and academically. He came home irritable and poised for a fight, on top of his siblings, yelling, throwing things, ranting and raving about the house. His mother tried to calm him down, to no avail. She tried to discipline him, to no avail. Finally his father said he wanted to take care of it. He took his son out for a walk. They went to the local store and got soda and chips. They walked to the park and played a little ball. They started laughing and having a good time. Nothing was said about the boy’s behavior. And like a magic pill, the boy came back to the house in a better mood. He apologized to his siblings and mother and began to do his homework.
That’s secure attachment. I = QR. Our degree of impact is directly proportional to the quality of our relationship. The more proactively we invest in a positive relationship with our teenagers, the more likely it will be that they will turn toward us instead of away when times are tough for them.
Remember to ask me if I still believe this when my daughter turns 18. I’ll let you know.
Good Shabbos!
Ali Begoun
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
On Jealousy, Facebook and Not Flaunting what You’ve Got
This past week I’ve been discussing the destructive character trait of jealousy with my students. Is there any emotion that reeks more havoc in our relationships than jealousy? Does any emotion threaten our well being more than the green-eyed monster? In our own modern lives, can we not relate to the character, Portia, in Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice: “How all the other passions fleet to air, as doubtful thoughts and rash embraced despair and shuddering fear and green-eyed jealousy!”
Do we understand what jealousy is?
One of the most compelling qualities of jealousy is that it’s often not the thing itself that we desire so much. It’s that someone else has it, and we don’t. In jealousy-speak, your gain is my loss. Call it pettiness. Call it insecurity. Whatever you call it, it’s draining and hurtful to be constantly looking over your shoulder and feeling desire for what you perceive to be someone else’s level of success and feeling the pain of lack in your own life. When I perceive you as having something that I don’t, it immediately engenders in me a feeling of inadequacy. What’s wrong with me that I don’t possess this? That feeling of inadequacy gets expressed in two ways. One way is inward (“I could never have what this guy has. I just don’t have what it takes”). The other is outward (“That guy is such an arrogant jerk. Just listen to him name drop!) Whether we bring our jealousy inward in the form of a low self concept, or outward in the form of judging others and declaring them unworthy, the bottom line is this powerful negative impulse skews our perspective and in the end, hurts no one but ourselves. And it keeps us from feeling joy for others’ success and even creates within us a vague feeling of pleasure in others’ misfortune. This is a painful way to live.
Jealousy can range from the obvious: someone else’s home, car, physical beauty, or financial standing, to the more subtle: other people’s children, a quality we perceive in someone else’s marriage, a perception of another’s success. It can be even more sublime: an intangible quality of a magnetic personality or a fabulous sense of humor. But the common denominator is we are always left with the painful feeling that we just don’t measure up. And that feeling hurts.
Let’s also stand apart from the culture we live in and observe some of the emotional fallout that we experience rampantly in our times. We live in a Facebook culture, where one person chooses to divulge only the most flattering glimpse of their lives and display it for public consumption. That leaves us, sneeking an unrealistic peek at someone else’s marriage, home life or vacation and automatically processing it inwardly to our detriment. “I don’t have that! What’s wrong with me?” I’ll never forget a story a friend of mine told me. She was looking at her friend’s Facebook page, agonizing over what she perceived as the incredible fun everyone seemed to be having. She never felt calm and secure enough to have fun like that! What was wrong with her that she never had social experiences like the people whose pictures she was staring at longingly? Then she looked closer. Wait a minute! She was actually in one of those pictures! She was at that party! And she remembered clearly how miserable she had been that night.
We cannot know what goes on in another person’s world. When we envy what another person has, we’re artificially focusing on one element of their lives and not considering the full picture. Yes, she may be a physically beautiful women, but she may also struggle in her marriage. One person may seem to have it easy financially, but feel incredible frustration with his children. While this truth shouldn’t necessarily console us, and we shouldn’t rejoice at someone else’s suffering, we should always remember that when we fixate our focus on one thing a person has, we skew our perspective and forget that a person possesses a whole pekelach (there is no English translation for this word) called “their lives”. Hyper focusing on one quality (their children, their money, their seemingly easy marital relationship) is skewed and unrealistically incomplete. We cannot know the full picture that makes up another person’s life.
And let’s remember that the Jewish approach is, in essence, the antithesis of Facebook (sorry Mr. Zuckerburg). And that is, if you’ve got it, please don’t flaunt it. Try to be the kind of person who doesn’t create jealousy in other people. Don’t create constriction or fester inadequacy in another person through your words or actions. If your friend is struggling to have a second child, don’t complain about how overwhelmed you are with your four kids. If your cousin is struggling financially, don’t offer all the details about your latest trip to the Carribean. Always be mindful of what you are creating in the inner world of another person.
When the wicked prophet Bilaam was commissioned to curse the Jews, he stood at the top of a mountain to deliver his curse. But he was tongue tied. He simply couldn’t curse the Jewish people and instead involuntarily praised them. What was it that he saw? He witnessed that their tents were all aligned facing opposite each other, so no one could see what went on in the tent of their neighbor. This was of course for the sake of modesty, but it was also based on the desire of the Jewish people to not create longing in another person based on what they possessed. That’s a quality we would do well to emulate.
One of the most ennobling requests Judaism makes of us is that we become more aware of what we feel, and instead of suffering with our feelings, start to think constructively about what our feeling are telling us. Are we jealous? What is it we’re jealous of? When I work with my clients and I hear a lot of negative self talk or judgment toward another person, I will often ask them, “What is it they have that you want?” This isn’t an easy question and the answer usually takes a while to come out. But ultimately, we get to the heart of what the person longs for. And then the life coaching begins. How can I set out to achieve what it is that I want? If I long for another person’s marriage, what can I do within my own, to create the kind of pleasure and intimacy that I see? If I desire another person’s success, what goals can I set in my own life to get what I want? Jealousy, like any other emotion, is there to tell us what we need to do next. Identify the feeling, acknowledge that you’re feeling jealous, and then start constructively crafting for yourself some authentic goals for realistically getting what you want. When you think this way, you start to flip the painful feeling of jealousy into the fulfillment of your own personal potential. This ability is within all of us, and it’s a wonderful way to live.
Do we understand what jealousy is?
One of the most compelling qualities of jealousy is that it’s often not the thing itself that we desire so much. It’s that someone else has it, and we don’t. In jealousy-speak, your gain is my loss. Call it pettiness. Call it insecurity. Whatever you call it, it’s draining and hurtful to be constantly looking over your shoulder and feeling desire for what you perceive to be someone else’s level of success and feeling the pain of lack in your own life. When I perceive you as having something that I don’t, it immediately engenders in me a feeling of inadequacy. What’s wrong with me that I don’t possess this? That feeling of inadequacy gets expressed in two ways. One way is inward (“I could never have what this guy has. I just don’t have what it takes”). The other is outward (“That guy is such an arrogant jerk. Just listen to him name drop!) Whether we bring our jealousy inward in the form of a low self concept, or outward in the form of judging others and declaring them unworthy, the bottom line is this powerful negative impulse skews our perspective and in the end, hurts no one but ourselves. And it keeps us from feeling joy for others’ success and even creates within us a vague feeling of pleasure in others’ misfortune. This is a painful way to live.
Jealousy can range from the obvious: someone else’s home, car, physical beauty, or financial standing, to the more subtle: other people’s children, a quality we perceive in someone else’s marriage, a perception of another’s success. It can be even more sublime: an intangible quality of a magnetic personality or a fabulous sense of humor. But the common denominator is we are always left with the painful feeling that we just don’t measure up. And that feeling hurts.
Let’s also stand apart from the culture we live in and observe some of the emotional fallout that we experience rampantly in our times. We live in a Facebook culture, where one person chooses to divulge only the most flattering glimpse of their lives and display it for public consumption. That leaves us, sneeking an unrealistic peek at someone else’s marriage, home life or vacation and automatically processing it inwardly to our detriment. “I don’t have that! What’s wrong with me?” I’ll never forget a story a friend of mine told me. She was looking at her friend’s Facebook page, agonizing over what she perceived as the incredible fun everyone seemed to be having. She never felt calm and secure enough to have fun like that! What was wrong with her that she never had social experiences like the people whose pictures she was staring at longingly? Then she looked closer. Wait a minute! She was actually in one of those pictures! She was at that party! And she remembered clearly how miserable she had been that night.
We cannot know what goes on in another person’s world. When we envy what another person has, we’re artificially focusing on one element of their lives and not considering the full picture. Yes, she may be a physically beautiful women, but she may also struggle in her marriage. One person may seem to have it easy financially, but feel incredible frustration with his children. While this truth shouldn’t necessarily console us, and we shouldn’t rejoice at someone else’s suffering, we should always remember that when we fixate our focus on one thing a person has, we skew our perspective and forget that a person possesses a whole pekelach (there is no English translation for this word) called “their lives”. Hyper focusing on one quality (their children, their money, their seemingly easy marital relationship) is skewed and unrealistically incomplete. We cannot know the full picture that makes up another person’s life.
And let’s remember that the Jewish approach is, in essence, the antithesis of Facebook (sorry Mr. Zuckerburg). And that is, if you’ve got it, please don’t flaunt it. Try to be the kind of person who doesn’t create jealousy in other people. Don’t create constriction or fester inadequacy in another person through your words or actions. If your friend is struggling to have a second child, don’t complain about how overwhelmed you are with your four kids. If your cousin is struggling financially, don’t offer all the details about your latest trip to the Carribean. Always be mindful of what you are creating in the inner world of another person.
When the wicked prophet Bilaam was commissioned to curse the Jews, he stood at the top of a mountain to deliver his curse. But he was tongue tied. He simply couldn’t curse the Jewish people and instead involuntarily praised them. What was it that he saw? He witnessed that their tents were all aligned facing opposite each other, so no one could see what went on in the tent of their neighbor. This was of course for the sake of modesty, but it was also based on the desire of the Jewish people to not create longing in another person based on what they possessed. That’s a quality we would do well to emulate.
One of the most ennobling requests Judaism makes of us is that we become more aware of what we feel, and instead of suffering with our feelings, start to think constructively about what our feeling are telling us. Are we jealous? What is it we’re jealous of? When I work with my clients and I hear a lot of negative self talk or judgment toward another person, I will often ask them, “What is it they have that you want?” This isn’t an easy question and the answer usually takes a while to come out. But ultimately, we get to the heart of what the person longs for. And then the life coaching begins. How can I set out to achieve what it is that I want? If I long for another person’s marriage, what can I do within my own, to create the kind of pleasure and intimacy that I see? If I desire another person’s success, what goals can I set in my own life to get what I want? Jealousy, like any other emotion, is there to tell us what we need to do next. Identify the feeling, acknowledge that you’re feeling jealous, and then start constructively crafting for yourself some authentic goals for realistically getting what you want. When you think this way, you start to flip the painful feeling of jealousy into the fulfillment of your own personal potential. This ability is within all of us, and it’s a wonderful way to live.
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