Give Pleasure, Not Pain!

In this age of information overload, there's no dearth of advice coming our way on how to improve our marriages. It's putting what we know into practice that's so difficult. I would like to offer you a five-word formula that, if internalized, has the power to dramatically improve your marriage.
Ready?
Don't give pain, give pleasure.
Many people envision the ideal marital formula to be 50/50, meaning the division of labor works out equitably and fairly; you do for me and I do for you. But in Judaism we don't aim for 50/50, it's not tit for tat and it's not a business contract. We shoot for 100/100. It really comes down to giving, giving, and giving some more, and not keeping score! If each spouse stops focusing on what they're not getting and how they're being shortchanged, and instead puts the focus on their own ability to minimize pain and give pleasure to the other, the results can be tremendous. You may discover that you'll get more from giving than you do from receiving, and that your love grows for your spouse the more you give.
Let's flesh this out. How do we minimize pain? Monitor closely how you talk to your spouse. Don't make demands or boss the other around. Having a bad day at work or with the children does not entitle you to inflict pain on your spouse through your words. Remember that anytime you speak with irritation, sarcasm or annoyance, you're inflicting pain. Criticism of any kind inflicts pain. Embarrassing your spouse in public causes pain, as does speaking in the heat of anger. Remember that just like no one can eat a half-baked cake, no one can feel understood and appreciated when they are half focused on. Not looking up from your computer screen or from your phone conversation when your spouse walks in simply causes pain. In an easy going moment, ask your partner to write down what goes on between you that causes pain. Presto! Now you know what to avoid.
What about giving pleasure? The best thing to do is ask your spouse to make a list of what does give them pleasure and do one of these things every day. Learn by asking how your spouse prefers to be given to-whether it's more quality time with the family uninterrupted, more physical affection, receiving gifts, scheduling regular date nights, helping more in the house etc., and get in the daily habit of doing it. Why try to be a mind reader? Just ask and you'll know what you need to do! Get in the habit of asking on a regular basis, "What can I do for you?" Look for ways to help each other. Don't try to mind read...just ask and you'll figure it out!
Even if it's just for one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself the simple question, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"
Once you realize that almost everything in your behavior and in the way you speak to your spouse brings you closer or pushes you further apart, you'll be more able to control the direction of your marriage. The essential ingredient is to focus on your own sphere of responsibility and not fret about how your partner just isn't adding up. Try it. Ask your spouse what you do that causes them pain and what you do that gives them pleasure. With this information in hand, you can spend less energy feeling shortchanged and more energy committing to the goal of giving pleasure and not causing pain. See for yourself what you are able to build.