Being Half Blind

I recently heard a powerful story about our rabbi, Rav Michel Twerski, who was asked what his parents secret was in raising such incredible children. His answer? "They were half blind."

What did he mean by that? Rav Michel was talking about his parents' ability to simply ignore so many of the negative things they saw their kids do, to simply turn a blind eye to much of the misbehavior. "They didn't see every foolish thing we did, but they made sure to see every drop of good."

Most of you with kids have probably noticed that in the trenches of a typical day, there are simply so many things to take issue with when it comes to our kids. Sometimes it seems like we could spend the entire day nagging and pointing out flaws. Between the TV, the computer, the texting, the junk food, the fighting, the chutzpah, the choice of dress, issues at school (I'll stop here), most parents have no shortage whatsoever of justification in voicing their displeasure with their children.

One of the most fundamental keys to effective parenting is, quite simply, learning to say nothing at all, to express nothing at all, to just not notice. No faces, no eye rolling, no squirming in your seat, no sighing. Of course there are times when we must speak up, to declare something unacceptable, to forbid certain language or behavior in your home. But the important point here is to make a decision to choose a couple of battles, and let the rest go. Practically speaking, that means if you get crazy with about 10 things you see your daughter doing (write this list down...you'll get to about 10 no problem), let eight go, choose two to focus on, and even regarding these two, handle them gently, and rebuke less than you normally would.

Perhaps the greatest hope we have for our children is that they will feel that when they looked in our eyes, they felt approval and acceptance. We have to ask the hard question of what our children see when they look in our eyes? Too much negativity and they'll start to question their worth. One in Five. One negative perception to every five positive. Sound insane, impossible, obnoxious to even put out there into the stratosphere? That's the ratio to shoot for, but it takes work. Work on yourself.

Judaism encourages us to see the world with an "Ayin Tovah", a "good eye". What this means at its essence is to see the positive despite the flaws, to see the good despite the fact that this child is so, so difficult. It means making the conscious decision to not let our anger, disappointment and sheer frustration cloud our vision of who this child is at her essence. See your child with a good eye, and she'll begin to see herself that way as well.

Ali Begoun