Listening with your ears.

Recently I have been discussing with many of my students the powerful concept from our Sages (Pirkei Avot 6:6) of shmi’at b’ozen, listening with your ears.

Listening with your ears? Isn’t that redundant? Not really. In truth, we very rarely listen with the sole purpose of understanding more what lies in the heart of another person and gaining true insight into where they are coming from. At best, we listen superficially, all the while forming our response which we offer at the first possible available moment. Too often, we listen more with our egos than our ears, ready to pounce with a criticism (“You simply have to get in control with the kids”) or a more subtle condemnation (“Whatever…”) that closes the person down and leaves him or her feeling misunderstood. The truth is, most of us want to be heard far more than we want to listen, which is the source of all the interruption, lack of feeling understood, poor communication and yelling and screaming we too often experience in our homes.

There’s nowhere where this truth is more apparent than in our marriages, where the stakes are high, the emotions can be heated, and the feeling of being misunderstood is most acute.

What to do? The first step is understanding that there is pretty much nothing in life (especially in married life) more gratifying than to speak your heart out to someone who is fully attentive. What does it mean to be fully attentive? First and foremost, it means to listen fully without defending yourself or contradicting the other (even though you’re dying to set the record straight…) in any way. The moment you challenge is the moment communication ceases, no matter how good a point you have on your side. There will be time for you to be the speaker at another point. The goal is to genuinely want to understand your spouse’s (or your boss, child etc.) feelings, despite the fact that your desires and frustrations are real and legitimate. Live and behave with this goal in mind and see what happens.

I suggest this:

When the time is right and both of you are more upbeat and calm, ask your spouse the following question (you may have to adjust the wording to make it sound more authentic to who you are):

“What do you feel I can do to enhance the feeling of respect and love in our relationship?”

Ask the question…and then here’s the hard part. Be quiet! Many spouses may initially answer “Um…I don’t know…,” but if you persevere and don’t put yourself right back in there you may actually get your spouse to communicate feelings he or she wasn’t able to verbalize until this point. This will leave the person feeling heard, understood without being judged and appreciated, which are the essential ingredients we all need to want closeness and to try harder to improve.

Ask. Be quiet. Accept the answer and don’t answer back. Listen with your ears, and make trying to understand the world of the other your number one goal. You may be surprised what you discover.