Dreams of Greatness, Modified…


What do we dream of for our children? What visions of greatness do we harbor as we watch them on the soccer field? At school? At the piano? What do we see that disappoints us and makes us feel slightly unsettled, wondering if they’re really going to be okay? What lackings in academics, social graces, physical appearance and athletic abilities obsess our days and nights and leave us thoroughly concerned about their futures as successful, well adjusted adults?

To what degree are we guilty of a syndrome Dr. Wendy Mogel calls “Achievement by Proxy", where the realization that our kids may be just average becomes a painful reminder of our own, ordinary selves? After all, we may not be that accomplished, but at least our kids will be extraordinary achievers!

One of the most powerful parenting lessons I’ve ever learned didn’t come from a contemporary book on raising children. It comes from our Holy Torah, in the book of Shmuel. There we meet Chana, who was desperate to conceive and prayed fervently to God for a child. “Just one child God,” she pleaded. “You created the entire world. You hold the key to all souls, isn’t there just one for me?”

Chana then goes on in her prayer, presenting it in a way that can enlighten even the most thoroughly modern parent. “Give me a child among men,” she pleaded. A child among men. What does that mean?

The Talmud tells us something unusual about Chana’s prayer. She didn’t ask that he be a doctor or lawyer, be the next Surgeon General, get an athletic scholarship to Yale or be first (okay, tenth!) in his class at Highland Park High School. She didn’t even ask for the wisest, most righteous or most well-liked among the people of Israel. Why wouldn’t she have wanted a beautiful child? A gifted child? An amazing athlete? What was wrong with her?

Chana prayed for a son who would not stand out physically, intellectually, athletically. She hoped for an average child, or what we call Jewishly, a mensch.

Chana’s prayer tells us volumes about our own priorities as parents. What makes a child great is not her appearance, her musical talents, his athletic abilities, or his high IQ. As well meaning, devoted parents we have to take serious stock about our fixations regarding our precious charges.

What matters simply is their capacity for goodness, for kindness, for nice and simple thoughtfulness. Our focus on the larger, greater accomplishments detract from the real accomplishment of life; becoming a mensch.

Chana wanted an average child so that no external characteristic ( looks, smarts or any other defining abilities) would take away from the enormous imperative of being good, of caring for others, of growing as a human being and above all, craving a relationship with God.

What does this mean for us today? My sense is that it demands us to take a good look at ourselves, and to think about shifting the balance from great (in school, in social situations, on the field) to good (speaking considerately, helping others, being kind). It’s actually not easy to be a mensch. It’s not easy to think of others before yourself. It’s not easy to be sensitive to the moods and feelings of the people around us. It’s not easy to keep a smile on your face and cheer up others when things are tough. It’s not easy to rejoice for others when they get something you want and don’t have. It’s not easy to live without honor or recognition and remain secure in the knowledge that you’re doing your best to grow in goodness, kindness and compassion. You may have noticed this is even harder for us grownups than it is for our children!

But this is the basis for true growth as a person. Being a mensch is the true definition of greatness. Hard to achieve but available to everyone. How important is it to you?

Best Wishes,

Ali Begoun