What Men Really Want

Once again, we're not talking rocket science in our effort to get to the root of what men and women really want in a relationship. It's simple...and yet whenever our egos are involved there's always a nagging inner voice of protest that sounds something like, "He doesn't deserve to hear something nice when he hasn't really worked on himself!", or "That's his responsibility so why in the world should I thank him and praise him?" Or how about this one? "It's like we're a million miles away. He has no clue what's in my heart."

Women, please take note. The Torah tells us that women were created with a binah yeseira, a stronger ability to be intuitive and to understand the inner dimension in our relationships. It's our responsibility to use that binah yeseira NOT to fixate on how we're being shortchanged and how our husband isn't meeting our emotional needs, but on how we can come closer to him in the ways that he craves.

That's what it means to be a giver. If we focus on these simple ways of giving to our husbands in the way they were hardwired, we'll see dramatic improvement in our marriages, however solid or shaky they may be.

So what do men really want?

1) Make him number one!
Do you welcome your husband at the end of a long day, or is he greeted with a barrage of complaints? "You forgot to take the garbage out." "Take this child--I can't handle it another minute!"

Does he respond by sneaking a peak at his Blackberry? Turning on the TV? Complaining about the messiness of the living room?

In the classic Jewish work, Menorat HaMeor, we're told "If you treat him like a king, he will treat you like a queen."

In modern psychological terminology, that means, don't triangulate him. Don't create a triangle where your husband feels he is not your primary concern, rather the kids, your hobbies, your work life, your friendships or exercise are lowering his needs below number one status. Make your spouse your number one priority. Always take his side. Never embarrass him or undercut him. Create an unshakable alliance where his needs come first. If you sincerely do this, most likely you'll discover his needs are indeed NOT insatiable at all. Put simply, your marriage comes first.

You can start by simply appreciating what he does. "Thanks for bathing the kids tonight." "Thanks for doing the dishes, it was a huge help." Don't take for granted that these are his (few) household responsibilities and he should just do them! Push yourself to focus on what he did accomplish and not on your long list of the jobs left undone.

I talk to many stay-at-home moms who are able to stay home because of their husbands' hard work, but who frequently greet them with disgruntlement rather than gratitude. Remember that your husband isn't yet another irritating demand on your already overbooked schedule. Relate to him without bitterness and with gratitude for what he does. Make him number one.

2)Let him win!
Men seem to like to win in whatever capacity they're involved in (just observe them watching competitive sports). In marriage, many men will complain "I felt I couldn't win no matter what I did."

Let him "win" by showing him you're proud of him! "You were so patient with the kids tonight." "You dealt with that crisis so diplomatically at work." "Thank you so much for initiating such a great night out." "I am so happy that I'm married to you."

Remember that when you're critical, demanding or upset with him all the time you're never going to let him win at any stage and he's going to lose any intrinsic motivation to be better. If his small efforts fail to get any recognition--a thank you call or a nice hug when he comes home--he hasn't won and there's little motivation to keep trying.

Little gestures like getting off the phone when he walks in, shows of physical affection and sincere compliments make a man feel like he can indeed win at home. Remember that a man who feels he can win usually responds in kind and tries to please his wife.

3) Be happy!
Pardon the annoying expression, but a happy wife really is a happy life...for you and your spouse!

A husband desires desperately that his wife should be happy. When she's unfulfilled, unhappy or discontent with her lot in life she's sending the not-so-subtle message that he just doesn't have what it takes to make her feel good about her life.

We're often so focused on our own emotional needs that we forget our husband has them too. More than almost anything, a husband craves that his wife be satisfied with the life they share together. While we should never be robotic and conceal our feelings, we have to be constantly aware of how we emote to our husbands.

Tell him you love him, often! Tell him he gives you a life that brings you fulfillment and joy! Try to be happy and grateful for the life you share together.