It's Not About You!

It can’t be stated enough. A healthy marriage is founded on the ability to communicate well with each other, to hear and be heard, to express your thoughts and emotions with each other in a way that leaves each partner feeling understood. This is the bread and butter of human relationships, yet when our egos are involved, even bread and butter can go out the window. We know we have to listen without defensiveness, communicate our needs in a civil and non confrontational, non accusational manner and express positive feelings more often and more liberally. Yet as soon as hurt feelings enter the picture we often get fuzzy and resort to gratifying ourselves on the most immediate and raw level with yelling, nagging, criticism, stonewalling silence, rage. Does it sound like I’m talking to you alone? Please don’t feel alone – it’s part of the human condition, but I do believe it’s getting more acute as we retreat into a super technological society that advances at lightning speed. Why work hard at genuinely learning the tools of a good relationships, of patience, compassion and empathy when it is so easy to retreat into the work-free zone of your IPod?

Yet in truth we know there is no retreating. Our marriages and children call out to us and silently beg us to reflect on ourselves and do the hard work it takes to make our real lives and relationships great. In order to make relationships work you have to make yourself an expert at communication. Obviously one blog isn’t enough to tackle everything, so I want to begin with the absolute foundation of good communication. In subsequent weeks we’ll move on to powerful tools and strategies for hearing and being heard and expressing your needs in a constructive way.

What’s the number one point to remember?

It’s not about you.

Psychologists call it meta-communication. Judaism calls it compassion. Put most simply, when people feel poorly about themselves they act poorly. They yell, they accuse, they don’t seem particularly interested in anyone outside of themselves. They’re defensive, pessimistic and ineffective. They put others down easily. Conversely , when a person has a powerful sense of self worth and self esteem, they act well. They listen better, they’re more interested in other people, they have the ability to communicate without putting others down, they’re more optimistic and get more done. And then there are so many of us that fall in between the two extremes. When we’re feeling pretty good, we act pretty good. When we’re anxious, stressed or insecure, our behavior reflects our level of well being. It’s not about the other person. When we interact with other people, our behavior is reflective of how we are feeling much more than it is about anything the other person has said or done. This isn’t psychobabble; it’s an understanding we all need to have to develop the kind of compassion and sensitivity for ourselves and others that is so critical for a good relationship. When we really understand that it’s not about us, we can move beyond resentment for the person and feel compassion for them, trusting that how they’re feeling about themselves is behind the behavior that we would otherwise find so offensive and take so personally.


Compassion means we see beyond a person’s behavior or words. We understand it is NOT about us and we see the pain it causes them when they act that way. We understand that if they felt better they would act better, and therefore what they need most isn’t to be nagged or given the silent treatment; they need compassion. Belief that things will get better. Support. Resentment means we relate to their behavior in terms of how it affects us instead of how it’s hurting them. Compassion opens doors in a relationship. Resentment closes them.

Not so long ago I was teaching this concept of compassion versus resentment to a group of woman. One woman turned almost white. “Now I understand my grandmother,” she said. “We used to call her a shmatte because she always seemed to give into my grandfather. He would come home from work grumpy and tired. We knew that my grandmother was also tired and overworked, and yet she always gave him room to sit down, relax, read the paper. She asked him about his day and got him a cold drink. She gave him a warm smile and a hug, even though he never seemed to deserve such treatment. I always told my sister that today, almost no spouse would tolerate treatment like that! We would stand up for ourselves or complain about our spouse to our friends. We would nag or turn defensive. Now I understand my grandma was no shmatte! She knew intuitively that when a person doesn’t feel good, it’s not personal, and what they really need is love and support.”

We all need to be amateur psychologists when it comes to our marriages. We need to look for the motivation, the underlying message behind the communication. If your wife tells you she feels sick and she can’t take much more, chances are it’s her way of telling you she needs a bit more attention. If your husband is too short with the kids, try to not to get on his case and recognize there may be some needs he has that aren’t getting met which are reflecting his poor behavior. He doesn’t need to feel any worse than he already does.

It’s not easy to shift from resentment to compassion, but you’ll be amazed at what it can do to improve your marriage and every important relationship in your life. Remember that the number one rule about compassion is that a person’s behavior is almost never about you. It’s about the way a person feels about himself. When we look beyond how a person’s behavior is hurting us and see how the behavior is affecting them, we develop compassion for them. We ‘re free to offer them encouragement and support, which is all a person needs when they aren’t feeling their best.