The Ties That Bind

For a long time now, I’ve wanted to write about bonding with our teenage children…but I didn’t dare! Who am I to write about the challenges of parenting teens in such incredibly challenging times when my oldest is not yet 14! Even Dr. Wendy Mogel, child psychiatrist and best-selling author of the modern day parenting bible, “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee,” felt she had to wait “in the refrigerator” until her youngest turned 18, at which point she felt she possessed the “right” to know what she was talking about and give the critical advice and wisdom parents so desperately needed.

That being said, I’m writing this anyway. Why? Because I genuinely believe that I’ll still agree with the words I’m writing when it’s my turn to tumble out of the proverbial refrigerator. (although I might come out a little black and blue!)

There is no question that the times we face are unique in the severity and intensity of challenges we face. Alcohol. Drugs. (Okay, those existed when we were kids too.) Violent media. (That’s pretty new.) Social media. (That’s seriously new.) Technology of every kind imaginable and discomfort with anything but the most immediate forms of gratification (That’s absolutely new.) What’s okay and what’s not? How do we discipline? Where do we draw the line? What is acceptable? What is negotiable? Who says?

And who are we, by the way, in our role as parents? Are we our teenager’s friend? Mentor? Authoritative figure? A little of each?

Are there definitive answers to raising our teenage children in these confusing times?

Indeed, there is one simple truth that will never go away. And that is, quite simply, the incredible importance of developing a relationship with your teenager. The more relationship we have with them, the more impact we stand to have in their lives. Marriage and Family Therapist Daniel Schonbuch created the equation: I = QR. I is for Impact. We have to internalize that the degree of impact we have on our teenaged children is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship (QR) we have developed with them. It’s that simple. And it’s that difficult.

For quite some time child psychiatrists have taken note of the various kinds of attachment that exist between parent and child. There is what is called “anxious attachment.” This form of attachment is otherwise known as helicopter parenting, which is characterized by intense concern and irrational preoccupation with our children’s vulnerability. What if Samantha gets left out of this new group of friends? What if Jonah doesn’t make the hockey team and all his friends do? What if no one asks Maya to the prom? Nu?(as we say lovingly in Yiddish), What if? What if? Then maybe she’ll learn the strength of character that only reveals itself from a certain amount of vulnerability!

Another form of negative attachment is known as “avoiding attachment,” where parents deactivate the part of them that is responsive, emotionally reliant and connected.

And then there is “secure attachment,” which comes down to choosing to act in ways that increase the relationship with our children and build the quality of the bond. The more secure the attachment is between parent and child, the better the child will feel and the more likely a parent will be able to influence the life of the child. Even the most rebellious child, deep down, craves a secure relationship with his parents.

And ultimately, no matter how outrageous or horrifying the behavior of a teen may be, a parent needs to do honest soul searching before any discipline can take place. They have to ask themselves where they honestly stand in their relationship with the child. If parents are frustrated that the child is totally rebellious, angry or resentful, that pain needs to be placed squarely in the context of the kind of emotional bond that exists between them. Their impact on their child will only be as strong as the quality of relationship that parent and child have together. It’s that simple. And it’s that difficult.

Ask yourself (and brace yourself for the answer): How much time do you spend with your teenager without the background of phone buzzing, computer on alert, TV on, a movie being half watched? How much total quality time do you have with this older child a week? Several hours? One hour? Twenty minutes? Five minutes? None, really?

In our materialistic times, this may come as a surprise. Kids don’t need presents. They need your presence. They need to see that in a totally undivided, unhassled way, you receive pleasure from them and enjoy their company. Do your best to find a few minutes a day where your hands aren’t clutching a phone and your focus is totally on your teenager. Try to find time take them out of the house, for a walk or a drive (put it into your schedule, just as you would do for a client). Go to the park, go bowling, get a drink at Starbucks. Be careful not to argue about anything you normally argue about (even if you’re certainly right). Whatever homework they’re not doing, whatever friends they have that scare you and bring out your greatest fears, don’t bring it up. Try to talk about their feelings or your feelings about anything going on in your lives. If feelings are thoroughly uninteresting to them, talk about sports or music. Whatever is important in their inner world, get inside it and care about it.

I recently heard a story about a boy who was really struggling at school, both socially and academically. He came home irritable and poised for a fight, on top of his siblings, yelling, throwing things, ranting and raving about the house. His mother tried to calm him down, to no avail. She tried to discipline him, to no avail. Finally his father said he wanted to take care of it. He took his son out for a walk. They went to the local store and got soda and chips. They walked to the park and played a little ball. They started laughing and having a good time. Nothing was said about the boy’s behavior. And like a magic pill, the boy came back to the house in a better mood. He apologized to his siblings and mother and began to do his homework.

That’s secure attachment. I = QR. Our degree of impact is directly proportional to the quality of our relationship. The more proactively we invest in a positive relationship with our teenagers, the more likely it will be that they will turn toward us instead of away when times are tough for them.

Remember to ask me if I still believe this when my daughter turns 18. I’ll let you know.

Good Shabbos!

Ali Begoun